How to Raise Your Daughter

When me and Billy were taking showers at Rio the other day, we talked
about having kids and getting married and all that good fairy tale
stuff. We even end up naming our sons, and I said that if my son turns
out to be good, I will name him Hao Hei Zi (good boy in mandarin), and
if he is bad, his name will be Huei Hei Zi (bad boy). But I think I’ll
just end up giving them Latin names by naming them after my favorite
muscle groups.

We both agreed that we would never want to have a daughter. Raising a
daughter is too hard and too much work and too much trouble. By the
time they reach puberty, not only are they gonna throw their bloody
tampons all over the kitchen table, they’re gonna bring their
boyfriends home, and you would look at the guy up and down and just
think “Damn this is the guy that wants to fuck my daughter”. You’d just
want to kick his ass and end up with a phobia about your daughter
getting pregnant.

Having a daughter is a lose-lose situation because she’s either going to be:

a. Hot, but stupid and slutty.
b. Smart, but ugly and fat.

So, you are fucked either way.

It turns out that we are not alone. Fathers everywhere care about their
daughter’s “pureness” and virginity before than anything else for an
obvious reason: Nobody wants to marry a slut.

Guys like to sleep with girls with a history because they hope that
history will repeat itself. But when it comes to long terms, we don’t
want to marry a woman who might be carrying another men’s child. If
your wife is adulterous, there is a chance that she’s going to come
home with the sperms of other men inside her vagina, and you risk the
chance of investing your calorie and time protecting another man’s
genes. For most organisms, the last thing you want to do is waste your
investment on the genes of your competitors.

A father is never certain that a child is his (in fact I think 1 out of
10 fathers raise somebody else’s child without knowing it). A mother
spends more time with her child, cares more about him, and will always
be his primary subject because the egg is tucked inside the mother for
nine months, so she is one hundred percent certain that the child is
hers. Meanwhile, since fertilization occurs outside of a father’s body,
he can never be certain that the offspring is his. You hear soldiers in
wars crying for their mothers before they die, but never their fathers.
You see people waving and giving shout outs to their moms when they are
on television, but almost never their dads (in fact it would sound
pretty awkward).

A father and a daughter will always fight over the ownership of her
sexuality and has a say about who she dates because in a market for the
most desirable husband with the best genes, her value is heavily based
on her virginity, and she isn’t one, it could really compromise her
value. This is especially crucial in arrange marriages, which is just
another way of saying that they are selling and trading their children.
Remember, nobody wants to marry a hoe, so if your daughter runs around
and screw every single guy she meets on the block; it just isn’t likely
that she is going to end up with the best available husband, and that’s
not a good sign for a father who wants the best candidate to carry,
pass on, and protect his own genes so it can prosper over the next

All over the world parents take measures to make sure their daughters
don’t sleep around and punish them when they suspect that they do. They
cover them up with cloaks so they don’t show skin. They lock them up or
even mutilate their genitals. In our world, there isn’t much you can
do. You can set a curfew or say a few words here and there, but we all
know that it isn’t going to work and the more you tell them not to do
something, the more they’re going to want to do it.

Every couple wants a son. I almost feel bad for people who have 3 or 4
daughters and no son, and you know the reason why they have so many
daughters is because they want to have a son but they just kept on
failing at it, so instead of 1 hoe you end up with 4.

If I end up with a daughter, here are some of my plans.

– Raise her as a lesbian.
– Circumcise her or have Grandma sew up her labia.
– Give her a sex change and construct an artificial penis for her before she finds out she has a vagina and raise her as a son.
– Move to the country side and raise her with animals so she grows up to be a horse lover.
– If she is really hot I’ll probably just let her rot and produce porno flicks for her and take the money.