Beauty Installment III ( Beauty Rant )

When you are drunk at the club everybody looks beautiful. Even the bouncers.

Beautiful people are boring. There’s something unfunny about being
beautiful. When we try to be humorous we cross our eyes and stick out
our tongues, and that’s very funny, but that’s not very attractive.
Sometimes you just have to choose between being beautiful or being
funny, but it’s hard to be both. But I think my roommate can do it. He
can be both funny and beautiful at the same time.

The way you perceive yourself can be very different from the way other
people perceive you. When I see a person with a terrible haircut,
draped in really ugly clothes, and wears makeup that looks all messed
up on her face, I try to picture in my head the moment she picked out
those clothes at the mall or the way she put on her makeup in the
bathroom and said to herself “Hey this is really pretty, I look really
good today”. You wonder if there is something missing from her brain
that’s making her think like that.

When you see somebody who wears expensive clothing and has on a lot of
ornaments and makeup, you know that she gave a lot of thought about
looking beautiful and what people think of her. This is a turn off for
me because the moment somebody gives me the impression of trying too
hard to look attractive, I find that person unattractive. But if you
give no thoughts whatsoever about how good you look and just show up
with zits and slippers, that would also be unattractive. So it comes
down to how you carry yourself and finding the right balance.

Beauty is one of those things that people can really be self-deceptive
about. I know this girl who thinks she’s like the most beautiful person
in the world, but all of her friends think otherwise and call her nasty
behind her back. Some people live out their lives with a bleak idea of
how beautiful or unbeautiful they really are. It would be great if we
could just go around and ask everyone around us to rate us from a 1 to
10 scale, but that would totally ruin the mystery.

Being beautiful in photographs is very different from being beautiful
in real life. Photographs are 2 dimensional and people in there have 2
dimensional emotions. You can really fake your beauty in a photograph.
You can pose in certain angles, stand under good lighting, get rid of
your zits with photoshop and boost up the contrast until you only see a
white face with two tiny little black dots. Life must be hard for
models or people who are photogenic because they have to live up to
their photographs. Sometimes I would fall in love with the profile
picture of girls I see on facebook or myspace that they picked out of
hundreds of other pictures they took with their webcam, and I’d get all
worked up and jerk off to their pictures. But when I meet them in real
life they suddenly gained 20 pounds and then all I want to do is take
my orgasms back.

Most people have beauty defects. But they can still look beautiful if
they can balance out their defects with other features and body parts.
A person might have a sorry looking nose, but he can still be beautiful
if he happens to have striking eyes or lips to make up for it. Some
people use make up to make up for their defects, but hey, if it works
for them, it works for me.

I always say that when you meet somebody new, especially somebody you
like for the first time, the first thing you should do, even before you
tell them where you are from and what your name is, is to point out the
physical and beauty defects because if you wait for them to find out
later on, it would be much more embarrassing. It would save you the
trouble of hiding your defects, and wondering all the time whether or
not the other person has found out about them.

For instance if you have a really big face, you should point it out
right away by saying “hey look i have a really big face”, or if you
have a small dick you should say “hey look, I have a really small
dick”, or if you have a really flat nose you should say “hey look I
have a really flat nose”, or even if you are one of those deceptive
weirdos with a skinny face but a really fat body, but you cover it up
well with your sweater anyway, you should still tell them “hey look, my
face looks skinny but I am actually really fat”.

Sometimes the smallest things can make a person unattractive, even if it’s just a temporary problem.

Like a black pepper that’s stuck between your teeth. Tiny but fatal.
Can you imagine how tragic it is for a girl who is beautiful everywhere
to have food stuck between her front teeth? She would give you that
big, bright beauty smile and her teeth would be all white and shiny but
then you see crap in between her teeth. But it’s always better for the
food to be stuck in a place where you can see it, because if it’s stuck
in your wisdom tooth, you wouldn’t be able to see it or get it out for
days, and you end up with cavity and really bad breath. Can you imagine
having sex with a girl who is beautiful everywhere has garlic breath?
You’d have to do it garlic breath style so she breaths into the pillow
or else she would literally ruin the atmosphere.

People who are naturally beautiful really have their work cut out for
them, because if you’re not made beautiful, maintaining artificial
beauty is a lot of hard work.

It doesn’t matter if you are a guy or a girl; you should spend as much
time as you can in the bathroom each and every morning to make yourself
look as beautiful as you can, even on the days when you don’t go out
because it is just as important that you look good for yourself.

I think the best place to look good is at a church. Churches are the
best places for holding beauty contests. If you’re Christian and attend
church on Sundays, that’s your day to shine and show off your newest
beauty ornaments because everything else in there is bright and fancy
and shiny. You should be too.

The most beautiful thing I own is a jar of 40 year old horse poop that belonged to my middle school teacher.

The most beautiful form of communication is text messaging.

The most beautiful person I’ve ever met belongs to somebody else.

The most beautiful time I have is the time I don’t have on my hands.

I like you. Please like me.

I think you are beautiful.