p.S. Before you read this post, I just want to clarify that none of the
conversations I posted between me and Ruby are made up, but they are
all phone conversations and text messages. We’ve only met once briefly
a week ago at a party. But for the past seven days we have exchanged
over 550 text messages, and conversed on the phone or on the internet
over 50 hours. Even though we live just 10 minutes away from each
other, we have decided not to see each other in person because we both
share the “not getting it is better” mindset.

Frank : Hey what do you think will happen to us five months from now?
Ruby : Five months for now… that’s like the summer.
Frank : Yeah, I’ll give you some choices.
Ruby : Okay, Make it into a multiple choice question, like the SAT!
Frank : Weird but okay, here it is:

A) We don’t talk anymore.
B) We still talk.
C) We become fuck buddies.
D) All of the above.

Ruby : Emm…Can I add an (E)?
Frank : Fine, what is it.
Ruby : It’s “none of the above”.
Frank : Okay fine, just hurry up and pick one.
Ruby : Eh…… actually I don’t wanna pick an answer.
Frank : What? You have to pick one it’s a test.
Ruby : No I don’t, because on the SAT, you don’t have to pick an
answer. You can just leave the question blank and it doesn’t work
against you.
Frank : *silence*…
Ruby : So… can I stick my toes in your nose and wiggle around in it?

Frank : *Silence*

Ruby : Oh yea, do you read when you have sex?

Frank : What the fuck, do you?

Ruby : I did that like 5 times, when I really needed to study for my psychology test. Am I the only person who does that?

Frank : Yes, are you crazy or are you retarded?

Ruby : I dunno……eh, do you ever eat when you have sex? Not like
eating together eating but like i eat my own food while he does his own
stuff…. yeaaa

Frank : OMG you are so weird, why would you ever do that?

Ruby : Because I was hungry. I dunno, sometimes i just get really bored when I do it. i played video games too.

Frank : *Double silence*

Ruby: …Oh Yea, my aunt tried to kill me once, when I was like three,
i was playing with my cousin, and then my aunt came in and she threw a
brick at us, but it didn’t hit me, it hit my cousin’s head. And this
other time when I was five, she picked me up and tried to tossed me
into the washing machine in the basement, but then my mom came down and
beat the crap out of her.


This is what was in my text inbox this morning when I woke up.

RUBY CAI : mg I just woke up I’m so hungry and tired.

RUBY CAI: Sometimes when I meet a guy, I stare directly at their crotch
instead of their faces so they feel uncomfortable and forget to tell me
their names.

RUBY CAI : I can pin point exactly where a person’s nipples are, even
when they are wearing like 5 layers of clothes. I think that’s my
talent. That and breaking carrots with my vagina.

RUBY CAI : I was trying to eat a hamburger when I was on the toilet at
work, but I didn’t remember to chew it until I was walking out of the
bathroom, and my co-workers saw me and they were like woah. I love
having a hamburger in my hand when I take a shit.

“RUBY CAI : hate it when a girl comes up to me and ask me whether or
not they are pregnant or when a guy asks me whether or not his baby is
really his. I swear the world is irresponsible.

RUBY CAI : When I grow up, I want to invent spermsticles. It’s like a
popsicles made out of frozen sperm so horny bitches can suck on it or
stick them in their vagina if they want to get pregnant.

RUBY CAI : HEY ’m at giant right now and I am standing next to the ice
cream section and visualizing where my spermsticles will be in the

RUBY CAI : Last thanksgiving I tried to eat a turkey from the inside
out, but my head was too big for the turkey, so it didn’t work out.

RUBY CAI : What’s your favorite age? I think 27 is the most beautiful age.

RUBY CAI : I like twisting nipples. Can you cut off your roommate’s nipples and glue them on you?

RUBY CAI : don’t feel like running away with you tonight, maybe some other time we can run away to an island and fish

RUBY CAI : There is a woman named Anne Parson who lives next to my house. She’s been trying to kill me for the last ten years.

RUBY CAI : I have a boneless finger, and when I flick it it looks like
a saggy dick, or like when you’re trying to spin your dick in a
helicopter machine that’s what my finger looks like.

RUBY CAI : Hey Frank guess what? Wouldn’t it be cool if we all have tails?

RUBY CAI : By the way don’t feel special by these texts nor think that I am addicted to you…if you’re sleeping wake the ef up.

Ruby : Can I give your brain a hug?
Frank : Yeah, but why would you wanna do that?
Ruby : Because I like rubbing things I like and hug them.
Frank : Oh I see, so you like my brain.
Ruby : Yes.
Frank : Why don’t you just take it apart and stuff it in your vagina or rub it around it.
Ruby : Eww that’s squishy.
Frank : Yes.
Ruby : Actually I want to buy a dildo, and write everything you ever
said on it, and masturbate with it, so I can be pregnant with your
ideas. I want your thoughts inside of me.


Frank : How was work?
Ruby : Work is work, I’m designing two evening gowns for my friends.
Frank : Can you design me a Bolin body suit for me so I can look like him and then you can fuck me?
Ruby : I don’t want to fuck Bolin. I want to fuck your mind.
Frank : But my brain is too soft for your pussy.
Ruby : Freeze it and mold it into a lumpy dick, put it in a box, and give it to me.