Picking the Right Person

Ruby : Do you like me?
Frank : Yeah, I like you as a chunk of organic matter.
Ruby : Do you like me as a person?
Frank : Yeah, I like you as a person.
Ruby : Do you like me as a friend?
Frank : Yeah, I like you as a friend.
Ruby : Do you like me more than a friend?
Frank : Yes, I like you more than a friend.
Ruby : Do you lie me more than a friend than a friend?
Frank : Yea I like you more than a friend than a friend than a friend.
Ruby : I don’t believe you.
Frank : Okay.

PS. This is one note where 90 percent of what I say I actually believe in… or do i?

When you think you are in love you tend to be over the top, biased, and you blow things out of proportions. If you are a man and you love a woman, in your mind this woman is hundreds of times better and more desirable than the next woman. This is unlikely, i don’t care if your girlfriend is Mother Theresa, but that’s how we fee or perceive thingsl when we are ‘in love’. Ironically, when we fall out of love, this person who was 100 times more desirable at the time is suddenly 100 times less desirable than the next competitor. Very strange.

Another thing about romantic love is that it demands exclusiveness, at least in our society anyway. You can love all your children, in fact, you are encouraged to love all your children, and love them all equally. You can love more one sibling, friend, and neighbor but you are not supposed to love more than one lover. Imagine going home to your wife and say to her “Oh I love you! but I also love my dog, my mom, my car, my best friend, and I love God, oh I just love everything!” Even if she is a hardcore liberal or a Buddhist and demands that you that you should love every person and tree and insect in this world, she still wouldn’t be too pleased to hear that.

Finding that Mr. or Ms Right is so much harder nowadays with the population growth.

If you are single, then you are in the love market, searching for the most desirable mate. Somewhere out there out of 6.6 billion people lives the smartest, best looking, funniest, richest, nicest person who will settle down for you.

But chances are, you’re never going to meet this person, and you might just die single if you keep on waiting for him or her to show up. It’s like that Chinese anecdote of a man who walks along side a stream, trying to pick out the biggest and the most adoring rock he can find. He picks up a rock here and there, looks at it, and eventually throws it back into the river because he thinks that there always a bigger rock out there. By the end of the day, he went home empty ended.

Some of my friends are 23, 24 years old, and they’ve never had a relationship. It makes me wonder why because it’s not like they are deformed or anything and can’t get anybody to like them.

So my conclusion is either they are gay, or that they are just extremely picky.

Being picky is usually a good thing, but if you have that mindset of only wanting to settle with the best you can find, you might miss out on a lot of good learning experiences and ‘training’ opportunities which come from dating different people that can ultimately prepare you to make the final choice. The longer you wait, the harder it is for you to find somebody because no girl wants to go out with a 32 year old newbie who’s never learned the expected rules in the dating game such as opening the door for your girlfriend or leaving a two 2 week gap in between going from a hand job to a 69 and so forth (unless you are both newbs, which means you are both ugly) And sometimes the longer you wait, the more expectations you have, and the harder it is to live up to it.

Dating is a skill. Like many other skills like learning to play the piano, there’s a critical period for you to develop it, and once you’re beyond it, it’s very difficult to pick it up. So my suggestion for my single-for-life friends is to go out there, and start wetting your dick in different vaginas, until you learn what it wants and what it doesn’t want, and stay inside the one vagina that fits your dick. Kidding aside, but do try out some casual dates, or have a long term one here and go through the commitment and experience the goods and bads in a relationship.

At some point, you are going to have to trade up value against time and end your search for a more desirable mate and settle down with the best person you can find so far. But some people go ok, I’ll just stay single forever, nobody says you have to find somebody. Being single is not a bad idea from time to time, but it has costs like loneliness and not being able to have a family. Deep inside, we are all hard-wired for companionship.

Imagine for a second with me a world without love. The emotion of love doesn’t exist. So instead of basing your choice on emotion, people would enter the mate-market with a rational mindset and smart shop for the person who has the best qualities.

In this conjured world, a woman and a man should be roughly the same in desirability from the point of view of the third party, because you are offering your value and goods (you) for the best prize you can get in return (your mate). So the result is that if you are a 9, you would end up with a 9, and if you are an 8, you would end up with an 8 and so on. If you are a 7, there’s no reason why a 10 would pick you. This is what would happen if you pick out your partner rationally.

But we know that this isn’t the whole picture, although you can argue for the most part it is the case. What’s missing in the loveless world is the irrational part of you in finding your match. If you look for your mate with a rational mindset and settle only with the person for his qualities and values, the relationship you are involved in would become vulnerable. According to the law of probability, you are bound to meet somebody who is better than your current mate; the only question is when and where. So it is likely that some point in time, you are going to want a better trade and dump your partner for a better mate.

Have you ever brought your girlfriend or boyfriend to a party but still find your self checking out other girls out because on the back of your mind, your know that there is somebody out there who is better than your her? If your answer is yes or probably, I have made my point.

How about this, have you ever met somebody who has all the qualities you would want in a mate, smart, beautiful, rich whatever, but for some reason, you just don’t click, and you just don’t like the person?

One way to avoid these problems is to go for with somebody who is emotionally committed to you. Go for somebody who likes you for you, and not just somebody who wants you for your goods, qualities, and values.

If your decisions are triggered by emotion, and not objective mate value, then you should be less concerned about your mate leaving you for a competitor who has greater value or qualities than you. Physical signs that display emotions is involuntary and hard to fake (if it was easy then we can all be actors). Experiences like insomnia, anorexia, or the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach are all physical signs triggered by emotions. This is the emotion of romantic love.

This is why sometimes, you go out with somebody, and all your friends tell you that you are too good for that person and that you should go for somebody who is better but you just can’t let the other person go, even if your rational mind tells you that you should.

It seems to me that the heart always wins over the mind.

You just can’t make two people like each other.

You just can’t help but fall in love because the emotion of love is not something you can just decide to have (at the same time decide NOT to have). You can’t just make yourself fall out of love and give up your emotions for another person just because you meet a competitor who is better than your current girlfriend ( wish it was that easy ). The emotion of love evolved to serve as a sort of safe card for a bond-pair.

There are times when we fall for people who are just not our “type”. Everyone probably has a standard list of qualities or traits we would want in a person, but when we really fall for somebody, and when our emotion and irrationality take over, we throw that list out the window.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a standard and you should never think rationally when you pick your girlfriend or boyfriend, because sometimes your emotion for the other person is derived from his or her qualities you admire, and you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who shares your life goals. So at the end, it’s still about finding a balance. It’s just too hard to have feelings for a person who is weak, ugly, fat, and just totally stupid. Relationships present difficult choices, risks, complexity, and problems, but we accept all this because it’s all part of the game, and all part of the fun. The more risks you take, the bigger the end reward is. This is why the concept of love is so over the top, and that it’s a universal theme through out history, whether it’s in books, movies, plays, music or just part of our everyday life. But when it comes down to it, you might just be a little safer if you listen to your feelings and raw emotion.

So summing it up, emotion commitment is a major key to a good relationship, and we should fall in love with the individual, not so much with his qualities. The fact that mate of one identical twin is not attracted to another proves this point. But the downside is that fireworks burn out. Sparkles and emotion of love can decay with time. However, since your partner has already invested money, time, and childrearing, and went through thick and thin with you, sticking with the same person might still be the best idea. You’re just gonna be more creative with your sex life and just dream up new positions with your partner.

I think 27 is a good age for a girl to get settled down, and 30 for a man. The age of 18 to 34 is the most fertile period for a woman. 27 is somewhere in between. You want to wait a year or two to settle things down before you decide to have children with your mate, and it’s probably a good idea to leave a few more extra years so in case you want to have more children, you can. So 27 sound about right. And I read that it takes 27 for the moon to go around all the signs in the sky or whatever, and after 27 you shift into another phase in life.

Also when you are 27 and 30 you are mentally and physically matured enough, and probably financially staple enough to raise children. 30 is the age where a man is at his peak physically. After you are 30 you lose one percent of your physical strength per year. For artists and musicians and athletes, 27-30 is the magical age range, and they are usually your most creative years. A lot of athletes peak at 27, 28. It’s also a career check point. Ifyou still haven’t “made it” by the time you are reach that age range, chances are might never make it.

Timing is crucial. Usually you marry the person who shows up at the right time. You might find out at the end that your high school sweet heart is the best person you’ve ever gone out with in your life, but it’s too bad you met her at the wrong time. Went out through out high school, breaks it off after 4 years, and ends up marrying somebody else. If you meet her at the age when both of you want to get married, and then the outcome might be different. But hard to say.

Here is a tip I’ll leave you. Never present yourself as being desperate in a relationship. . When somebody is desperate, it means that he is falling for you too fast, and it means that she could also fall for somebody else too quickly.

So for those of you who are still single for life, either suck it up and break out of your closet, or ride with me, Billy, and DJ Donut, we’ll hop from market to market.