I get jealous attacks a lot.

When my classmates get better grades than I do, I get jealous. When my friend hooks up with a prettier girl than me, I get jealous. When my girlfriend feeds her fish, I get jealous. If I’m jacking off with my right hand, my left hand gets jealous. When my left testicle is making all the sperm, my right testicle gets jealous. While I’m listening to music with my right brain, my left brain gets jealous. When I’m working out my lowerbody, my upperbody gets jealous. When I’m thinking, my heart gets jealous. If I’m awake, the Frank in the dream world gets jealous. While I’m dreaming, the Frank in reality gets jealous. The strong Frank at the gym is jealous of the skinny Frank in high school. Frank the happy fetus is jealous of Frank the sad old man. Frank the straight toddler is jealous of Frank the gay corpse.

I think the best way to stop having jealousy attacks is to have a major heart attack.

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