I went CLUBBING last weekend with the good guys from the football team. This note is a reflection of my experience. What I thought about, and what I did.

It was an interesting and somewhat traumatizing experience because I was sober the entire time; and as a sober person around everybody who was drunk, you start to feel that your timing is off from everybody else. Billy and I did a lot of dumb things such as walking around the club blind folded to intentionally feel hopeless and insecure and farting non-stop.

The club is the best place to fart because you can fart the loudest most putrid farts while sitting next to somebody or while freak dancing and nobody would notice. It’s just like peeing in a public swimming pool or spitting at people from the window of a tall building during a rainy day. Everyone should hold in their fart for the entire week and just let it all out at once every Friday night at the CLUB.

Then I went and sat at other people’s tables randomly. That’s the good thing about being in America. It’s a free country. You can sit and occupy other people’s spaces and pretend you are part of it. Speaking of space, even though Americans are known for wasting large spaces, people hardly waste any space at night clubs. I think that’s what’s wrong with this picture; the composition is too homogenous and saturated. It frightens me to see the same type of people huddle so tightly together in the same space with everybody breathing in everybody else’s breaths, drinking everybody else’s liquids and listening to the same music. To make things more extravagant and American, people should bring in their own Ipods and dance to their own music. It will be a much more heterogeneous atmosphere with more mixing and mingling. That’s what America is about – doing your own things and minding your own business.

About half way through the night, Billy and I went into the bathroom and filled up our cups with soap water and started pouring it all over the dance floor to make people slip. But Marc beat us to it by throwing up all over the floor near the front entrance. And let me tell you, hydrochloric acid and half digested food particles is far more slippery than soap water. (But still, nobody slipped. isn’t that fucked up?) Almost everybody stepped over it and by the end of the night all of us had a piece of Marc’s stomach stuck in the soles of our shoes.

This was when I began thinking about cleaning because being reasonably clean is an Aristotelian virtue, and because you have to clean up so much at the club due to the fact that everybody is constantly secreting hormones and spewing out chemicals.

And this is when I started thinking about maids. A maid is just another term for a professional cleaner. A lot of rich and high ended people are proud of the fact that they have enough money to pay somebody money to clean up after them when it should be something that is embarrassing. If you really think about it, being a maid is not much different from being a dentist or a dental hygienist. Except a dentist gets paid a lot more money, and that that it requires years of schooling to clean somebody’s teeth. I think there should be a new major for people who want to be maids, something like a PHD in Housekeeping. It takes skills to groom well – you will need excellent logic, organization, problem solving and spatial visual cognitive skills, good hands, and good memories to remember where everything is and figure out the best and the most efficient way to spread out materials in space in the shortest amount of time. My dad hired a very good maid from Philippine who could fold my underwear into perfect squares. I always say that everybody has their own special talent, and that it is an Aristotelian virtue and duty to engage your particular talent into your work. Folding underwear was her talent, and it was her destiny to be a maid.

I want I be a wish Ruby was there because we make a good cleaning team. She helped me restore my room after I blew it up to many pieces. We could have cleaned up the entire club from top to bottom, from right to left, from front to back, inch by inch with the electric tooth brushes Jew dad gave me. And then we would’ve gone to the streets of DC and cleaned every corner of it until every square inch of the city was clean. Then we will clean the entire state in the same fashion, the country and so on, all with the same toothbrushes.

But nothing stays clean because as soon as we clean and re-organize everything neatly and decrease the entropy in the system, the total amount of disorder will still increase, since to clean our muscles and molecules of fat in our bodies would be disrupted, which jostles the surrounding air molecules into a higher state of disorder and agitation…

I want to be a maid for the universe. The best way to clean up the mess of the entire universe is probably with a super vacuum pump with the energy of an entire star to suck up everything in the universe to swallow its entropy and zap everything to make it all dissolve into tiny particles. The second step would be to spew it all out into another universe so the particles recycle and resemble themselves and form new civilizations. This is the only way our universe can stay disorder and chaos free to become clean and symmetric.

After getting rid of every single particle in the entire universe except for the particles that make up the two of us, we will be left floating in absolute blackness of a completely empty and deep space, away from all the people, away from any cities, civilizations, planets, stars, or galaxies. We will be engulfed in a cocoon of unvarying blackness. We won’t be able to distinguish how fast we are going, we won’t be able to tell whether or not we are spinning, or even moving at all. We can float freely from left to right, front to back, and up and down in the immense still dark-ness of outer space. I think this will keep us young and vital and reduce the aging process, because we will have less things to think about because there will be no surface to paint, no material to buy, nobody to suck up to.

There are just so much chaos, distraction, pollution and obstacles in life that’s keeping me from getting what I want. Sometimes I wish everything around me could be reduced and simplified. Sometimes I get really frustrated because there are so many things that are keeping me from being with the one person who I really want to be with for the rest of my life. It’s kind of like that fantasy everybody has of being trapped on a deserted island with one other person you like. But who needs the island?

So how in the world do you find your perfect match, your soulmate, your other half?

You don’t. My perspective on life is nothing short of nihilistic. I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I don’t think the universe is designed to have a meaning. Events in life and in the world are merely the results of random chances and collisions. There isn’t the right time to meet anybody, and nothing happens for a reason.

However, I do believe that somewhere in this world of six billion people, there exists the best looking, smartest, healthiest, richest, funniest person that would settle down for me and keep me happy and entertained for the rest of my life. However, finding this person is like finding a needle in a haystack. The chances and probability of me ever meeting this person is just too low, and i will most definitely die if I wait. This is why most people end up in unhappy and unsatisfying relationships. They waited and fantasized about their dream match, until it is ‘time’ settle down, and they settle down with the best person they can find so far ( who isn’t good enough).

I always say that with enough tries, anything you want to happen can happen. Life is like rolling dices. Even though the numbers that are going to turn up are random, if you toss the dices enough times, the desirable combination of numbers will show up. If you shuffle a deck of cards, the cards will turn up out of order 99.9999999999999 percent of the time. But if give it enough tries, there will be one shuffle that turns out to have all the cards in the complete order, just like the way they were presented before you open it and shuffle it for the first time. The problem is, the probability of that happening is so low that it will take you most likely take you 14 billion years (the age of the universe) for it to happen. The problem with life is that it is too short, and I might need to live 14 billion years to finally meet and be with that one perfect girl for me.

So how can I reduce increase my chances without having to reincarnate 100 million times?

I think the best chance for me to meet that person will probably be eliminating every single particle in the universe the way I described it, leaving only me and that one person. This will eliminate a lot of chaos and obstacles that might get in the path of my journey to finding this person. But on the other hand, this might also terminate potential paths that might lead me to her. So the solution is to reduce the spatial dimensions of the universe. See, our universe is composed of 3 spatial dimensions (if you’re not counting the 7 curled up dimensions in string theory). To locate a person in space, you will need 3 pieces of information – one for each dimension: Up to down, front to back, and left to right. Now, if I close down just one dimension, say the up-down trajectory and reduce the universe from having 3 dimensional spatial extensions to a 2 dimensional flat land, the chances of me coming across this person will definitely increase. This new universe will be completely flat, and I will only be able to travel from front to back and from left to right.

What would even be better is if I can eliminate one more dimension, as me and this other person enter into a world of one spatial extension – a long threadlike line. But for me to travel across this Lined universe, this person and I will have to reduce in size as well to fit into this one dimensional line that has no thickness to it whatsoever. This person and I will have to shrink – from our regular sizes to a midget, a Barbie doll, an orange, an ant, a particle of dust, and atom, and then finally a subatomic Planck particle that is 13 quintillion times the proton’s mass.

What will life be like living in this world? It’s hard to picture. But first of all, there simply won’t any room for anything except for moving from front to back on this line. There will be no room to show emotions because there simply isn’t any room our eyes to swirl around to look at the other 3 dimension. The only direction I can look is straight ahead. This is great because life will be much more simple and straight forward. Just imagine how romantic it is: two microscopic points rolling along a universe made out of a one-dimensional line. If this is indeed the scenario, unless this other point and I happen to move at an identical speed, sooner or later we will collide. And when we do find each other, we will forever be looking at each other right in the eye because our eyes will have no choice but to be locked on to each other’s. And since this is a world that has no thickness, there will be no room for me and this other point to go around each other when we meet, therefore we will have no choice but to take over each other and merge as one single dot.

But there is just one problem: Time. Even if I got rid of 2 dimensions of the universe, the time dimension still exists. Therefore this special being and I still have to wait for our collision to take place. Unless the universe gets rid its last spatial extension by cutting its line shorter and shorter until it regressed itself into a single point no bigger than the hybrid of me and the other point-being…

Speaking of time, just when I start to wonder whether or not the time dimension should just be eliminated all together so that the hybrid of me and the other point-being can rest in a timeless and spaceless singularity, I wondered what time it was and I tried looking at my cell phone for time ( I haven’t worn a watch since 6th grade). Then I realized that I couldn’t see anything because I was still blind folded. I concluded that I was doing the wrong thing in the wrong space at the wrong time after all – I’m blending in. You can also do the right thing at the right time in the right place, and nobody will bother to look at you because you blend in too well. But if you do the wrong thing in the right space at the wrong time or be the right thing in the wrong space at the right time, then people will want to rape you, eat you, kick you in the face, spit on you, or pull out your hair.

I really want to dance alone. Even though I can’t be alone in a completely empty and deep space, I want to dance and sing alone at a club in the morning after everyone else leaves for the night. I want to start a chain of clubs for people who are self conscious about their dancing called “Club for The Lonely Person”. It will only have enough space to fit in one person. It will be like an elevator space but it will have all the lights and music and atmosphere that a regular club has – it will just be smaller…