I’m bored with skin and flesh.

I wish people are made out of different materials.   Instead of stereotyping noticing first about race and skin color when first meet someone, you judge them based on the materials they are made out of, which depends on their nature.

You see an old man at the bus stop and you go : Oh, he is made out of wheat.   Or you meet a girl at the club who is made out of glass and you can see through her all at once – her  brain, her heart pumping blood,  what she is digesting, and her ovulating egg.

My mom’s boyfriend would probably be made out of baseball leather, held together by red twine.   My friend Alex would be made out of blocks of textiles.

I would be made out of latex. 

My First Love.

I remember the first girl who I’ve ever dated.  Her name was Lisa Jones from Indiana.  Lisa wasn’t your typical teenage girl because she was completely flat.  She was like a piece of paper because she was 2 dimensional and had no heights whatsoever and could only move from side to side.  I couldn’t really hold her hands or hug her or kiss or, or do anything that puppy love stuff.  The best thing I could do with her was to hang her by the wall like a poster and just stare at her all night.  Sometimes I would lay her on the bathroom floor like a carpet, so that I could dry my feet after the shower.  Even though Lisa’s body was 2 dimensional, her emotions were 4 dimensional.  She manifested a strong sign of schizophrenia and had jealousy attacks constantly.  She would talk to me in her thick Russian accent, and she wouldn’t care about my mom.   Even though all the girls I’ve dated since Lisa were 3 dimensional, their emotions were all 2 dimensional, which makes me very sad.

Thoughts at the CLUB.

Went CLUBBING last night with the good guys from the football team.  It was an interesting and somewhat traumatizing because I was sober the entire time, and as a sober person around everybody who was drunk, you start to feel that your timing is off from everybody else.  Me and Billy did a lot of dumb things walking around the club blind folded to intentionally feel hopeless and insecure and farting non-stop. The club is the best place to fart because you can fart non-stop for as loud and as stinky as you want while sitting next to somebody or while freak dancing and nobody would notice. It’s just like peeing in a public swimming pool or spitting at people from the window of a tall building during a rainy day. Everyone should hold in their fart for the entire week and just let it all out at once every friday at the club. 

And then I went and sat at other people’s tables randomly.  That’s the good thing about being in a America.  It’s a free country.  You can sit and occupy other people’s spaces and pretend you are part of it.  Speaking of space, even though Americans are known for wasting big time space, people hardly waste any space at night clubs.  I think that’s what’s wrong with this picture; the composition is too homogenous and saturated.  It frightens me to see the same type of people to huddle so tightly together in the same space with everybody breathing in everybody else’s breaths, drinking everybody else’s liquids and  listening to the same music.   To make things more extravagant, people should bring in their own Ipods and is just dancing to their own music.  It will be a much more heterogeneous atmosphere with more mix and mingles.

About half way through the night, me and Billy went into the bathroom and filled up our cups with soup water and pouring it all .over the dance floor to make people slip.     But Marc beat us to it by throwing up all over the floor near the front entrance.  And let me tell you, stomach acid and half digest food particles is far more slippery than soap water.  Almost everybody stepped over it and by the end of the night all of us had a piece of Marc’s stomach stuck in the soles of our shoes. 

This was when I began thinking about cleaning because you have to clean up so much at the club, since everybody is constantly secreting hormones and spewing out chemicals.   I wish ruby was here because me and her make a good cleaning team.  She helped me restore room after I blew it up to pieces.  We could have cleaned up the entire club from top to bottom, from right to left, from front to back, inch by inch with the electric tooth brushes Jew dad gave me.  And then we will go on to the streets of DC and clean every corner of it until every square inch of the entire city is clean.  Then we will clean the entire state in the same fashion, and then the country so on, all with the same toothbrushes.  But nothing stays clean because  as soon as we clean up everything and re-organize everything neatly and decreasing the entropy in the system, the total amount of disorder will still increase, since to clean our muscles and fat molecules of fat in our bodies would be disrupted, which jostles the surrounding air molecules into a higher state of disorder and agitation….

So the best way to clean is probably with a super vacuum pump with the energy of an entire star to suck up everything in the universe to swallow its entropy and zap everything up to make it all dissolve into tiny particles, and then spew it all out into another universe so the particles and recycle and resemble themselves and form new civilizations.  This is the only way our universe can stay disorder and chaos free and be clean and symmetric.

After getting rid of every single particle the entire universe except for the particles that make up the two of us, we will be left floating in absolute blackness of a completely empty and deep space, away from all the people, away from any cities, civilizations, planets, stars, or galaxies.   We will be engulfed in a cocoon of unvarying blackness.  We won’t be able to distinguish how fast we are going, we won’t be able to tell whether or not we are spinning, or even moving at all.   We can float freely from left to right, front to back, and up and down in the immense still dark-ness of outer space.    I think this will keep us young and vital and reduce the aging process, because we will have less things to think about because there will be no surface to paint, no material to buy, nobody to suck up to.

There are just so many chaos and distractions and pollution and obstacles in life that’s keeping me from getting what I want.   Sometimes I wish everything around me could be reduced and simplified.   Sometimes I get really frustrated because there are so many things that are preventing and keeping me from being with the one person who I really want to be with for the rest of my life.  It’s kind of like that fantasy everybody has of being trapped on an deserted island with one other person you like.  But who needs the island?

My perspective on life is nothing short of nihilistic.  I don’t believe in fate nor in destiny.   I don’t think the universe is designed to have a meaning.  Events in life and in the world are merely the results of random chances and collisions.  There isn’t the right time to meet anybody, and nothing happens for a reason. 

However, I do believe that somewhere in this world of six billion people, there exists the best looking, smartest, healthiest, richest, funniest person that would settle down for me and keep me happy and entertained for the rest of my life.  However, finding this person is like finding a needle in a haystack. The chances and probability of me ever meeting this person is just too low.  I always say that with enough tries, anything you want to happen can happen.  Life is like rolling dices.  Even though the numbers that are going to turn up are random, if you toss the dices enough times, the desirable combination of numbers will show up.  If you shuffle a deck of cards, the cards will turn up out of order 99.99999999999999999 percent of the time.  But if give it enough tries, there will be one shuffle that turn out to have all the cards in the complete order, just like the way they were presented before you open it and shuffle it for the first time.  The problem is, the probability of that happening is so low that it will take you most likely take you 14 billion years (the age of the universe) for it to happen.   The problem with life is that it is too short, and I might need to live 14 billion years to finally meet and be with that one perfect girl for me.

So how can I reduce increase my chances with having to reincarnate 100 million times?

I think the best chance for me to meet that person will probably be eliminating every single particle in the universe the way I described it, leaving only me and that one person.   This will eliminate a lot of chaos and obstacles that might get in the path of my journey to finding this person.  But on the other hand, this might also terminate potential paths that might lead me to her.  So the solution is to reduce the spatial dimensions of the universe.  See, our universe is composed of 3 spatial dimensions (if you’re not counting the 7 curled up dimensions in string theory).  To locate a person in space, you will need 3 pieces of information – one for each dimensions : Up to down, front to back, and left to right.   Now, if I close down just one dimension, say the up-down trajectory and reduces the universe from having 3 dimensional spatial extensions to a 2 dimensional flat land, the chances of me coming across this person will definitely increase.   This new universe will be completely flat, and I will only be able to travel from front to back, and from left to right.  

What would even be better is the universe can eliminate one more dimension, as me and this other person enter into a world of one spatial extension – a long threadlike line.  But me to travel across this Lined universe,  me and this other person will have to reduce in size as well to fit onto this one dimensional line that has no thickness to it whatsoever.   Me and this person will have to shrink – from our regular sizes to a midget, to a barbie doll, an orange, an ant, a particle of dust, and atom, and then finally a Planck sized point.

What  will life be like living in this world?   It;s hard to picture.  But first of all, there simply won’t any room for anything except  for moving from front to back on this line.   There will be room to show emotions because there simply isn’t any room our eyes to swirl around to look at the other 3 dimension.  The only direction I can look is straight ahead.  This is great because life will be much more simple and straight forward.  Just imagine how how romantic it is : Two microscopic points rolling along a universe made out of a one-dimensional line.   If this is indeed the scenario, unless me and this other point happen to move at an identical speed, sooner or later we will collide.   And when we do find each other,  we will forever be looking at each other right in the eye because our eyes will have no choice but to be locked on to each other’s. And since this is a world that has no thickness, there will be no room for me and this other point  to go around each other when we meet, therefore we will have no choice but to take over each other and merge as one single dot. 

But there is just one problem : Time.  Even though I got rid of all 3 dimensions of the universe, the time dimension still exists.   Therefore me and this special being still has to wait for our collision to take place.   Unless the universe gets rid its last spatial extension by cutting its line shorter and shorter until until it regressed itself into a single point no bigger than the hybrid of me and the other point-being…

Speaking of time, just when I start to wonder whether or not the time dimension should just be eliminated all together so that the hybrid of me and the other point-being can rest in eternity, I wondered what time it was and I tried looking at my cell phone for time ( I haven’t worn a watch since 6th grade).  Then I realized that I couldn’t see anything because I was still blind folded.  I concluded that I was doing the wrong thing in the wrong space at the wrong time after all – I’m blending in. You can also do the right thing at the right time in the right place, and nobody will bother to look at you because you blend in too well.  But if you do the wrong thing in the right space at the wrong time or be the right thing in the wrong space at the right time, then people will want to rape you, eat you, kick you in the face, spit on, or pull out your hair. 

I really want to dance alone.  Even though I can’t be alone in a completely empty and deep space, I want to dance and sing alone at a club in the morning after everyone else leave for the night.  I want to start a chain of clubs for people who are self conscious about their dancing  called “Club For The Lonely Person”. It will only have enough space to fit in one person.  It will be like an elevator space but it will have all the lights and music and atmosphere that a regular club has – it will just be smaller…

Thought and The Infinite Regress.

Descartes’ idea of meditating to certainty by doubting everything around him except for his own existence (because of the fact that he is doubting everything, he must have been thinking, and if he was thinking, he must have existed) has one fundamental flaw which is self-refuting. It leads to one question: Who is doing the thinking?

A thought is a mystery to and for itself. A thought is a process of infinite regression and progression. Any step of affirmation we take forward when we think about identity also takes us one step back to negation. When a person thinks and confirms his own existence that way, he has no idea who is doing that thought. A thought thinks about itself thinking about itself thinking about itself, and so on. The “little man” that we call consciousness who sits in our head and watches and projects outward into the world to allows us to have an experience that can only be recognized and confirmed by another little man, and that little man also has to be watched over by another little man, and on and on until we regress infinitely into negation.

They say that you can never use your eyes to see your own eyes. But even when you look into a mirror, your eye still cannot see itself in the act of seeing because if it does that, it only finds itself seeing itself seeing itself seeing. Vision is un-seeable and invisible because nothing is ever seen in this infinite loop of regression. No affirming visible objects can be seen. No vision is seeable and no thoughts are thinkable.

So what do we have at the bottom of the certainty ladder? We can say that we have perception. Perception precedes thinking, and those perceptions precede concepts. I think this is as far as we can go. Before anybody does any kind of solid thinking we can say that we receive perception: stimuli like photons from the external world come wiggling through our senses as electric signals.

Next, our perceptions and sensory inputs organize a model that is based on the patterns of our perception. At this moment, I have a slight glimpse of subjectivity. Now, experiences of subjectivity still precede the confirmation of my identity, for I am merely saying something about having a perception and how perception patterns behave.

After our perceptions are actualized, we can go on and create a material model for our perceptions. At this point, our existences still exist within the endless possibilities that are waiting to be actualized. The infinite possibilities of our identity and existence are willing and fighting, overpowering other possibilities of the self in order to be actualized materially at any given moment/space of the recognition of self-awareness.

So the best we can do here is to use the patterns of perceptions that we have realize, build and organize a material model of the world by interpreting the chaos and randomness of itself and of the happening of the world. We are programmed by evolution to organize chaos and disorder into orders and patterns that are useful for our chances of survival. This adaptation allows us to “recognize” the world and organize it into parts that form the whole.

This is the point where we start to get confused. We now “know” that there are objects out there in the world. This material image we hold in our head by reflecting the external world leads us to form a narcissistic self-image of the third person perspective. This self image then utilizes itself as the basis for any future interpreting of chaos, as well as any past recollection of patterns. The mind reflects itself by looking at the whole world from the inside and creating an internal and mental and conceptual map/schema of that world it is reflecting at any given instance and space.

The reason why I said we are confused is because this is the point where the infinite regression/progression problem I was talking about occurs. You see, maps are like mirror images that travel in infinite loops. If you spread a map of Rockville (where I live) inside the real physical space of Rockville itself, it immediately reflects Rockville from the inside. Now, if this is a perfect map, there should be another “Rockville” inside this map that in itself also contains another map that reflects and represent that map and so on.

Likewise, when we place an internal and mental map of the world inside our minds, we form an “I”, or an “ego” to interpret this world from a perspective – from a “point of view”. At this point, we narcissistically determine that there is an “I” that is doing this thinking, and that this “I” is somehow different from the “them” in the world.

But you can’t say “I” perceive, or “I” think because unlike what Descartes believed in, the “I”, or the “ego” isn’t the base of all our thoughts. The subjective “ego” is in itself a thought of infinite regression. Thus the “ego” is an illusion this mysterious regression of thought created to think and reduce itself as if it were another – a concrete “base” for which all thoughts of thoughts derived from. This is one way for thought to perceive and catch a glimpse of itself without regressing back to the infinite as a sense of certainty and comfort to fall back on when it tries to make sense of this chaos of multiplicity.

Our thought projects this “ego” onto itself in order to regularize and organize its own chaotic/infinite processes of activities into a single unity (the discrete “I”, or “ego”). But even so, the active agent of thought responsible for the projection of this illusion still has no idea what really is doing the thinking, what is making this projection in the first place.

And as soon as the object/subject split occurs, we find ourselves back to where we first started. By creating a subjective sense of the self (the “I”) we are at the same time, creating a third person who exists in the objective world (the “them”). Often times we assess our own behaviors and experiences by looking at ourselves from the third person perspective, from a subjective lens. But to watch a third person behave, you have to adopt a subjective point of view to watch it from. Likewise, the conceptual schema/map of the world inside our mind must contain another illusionary “I” who also happens to be spreading yet another map of that internal map, and another map, and another map and so on.

Insofar, existence is nothing but strings of consciousness of circulating becoming. We depend on perception in regards to what’s causing the perception. Our thinking is dependent on what and who is causing that particular thought. This leads not only to an infinite regression of existence, but of identity as well. We are constantly changing our sense of a personal self from this endless feedback loop of subject/object, and of existence, perceptions, and experiences.

So to summarize, even if you reduce your self-awareness to a single thought of “I think (therefore I am)”, there still is a question of who is doing that thinking. Who is willing you to think that particular thought? And who is willing you to will you to think that thought? For every thought that you think, there has to be another thought that thinks that thought, so on and so on. So thought is unthinkable because it is a mystery for, to, and in itself.

You can’t say “I” perceive, or “I” think because unlike what Descartes believed in, the “I”, or the “ego” isn’t the base of all our thoughts. The subjective “ego” is in itself a thought of infinite regression. Thus the “ego” is an illusion this mysterious regression of thought created to regularize, organize, and reduce its own chaotic stimuli, activities, and multiplicities into collective unity; a concrete “base” for which all thoughts of thoughts derived from. However, just as the ego projects itself onto itself out of the chaos of infinite regression, “thought itself” still has no clue what really is doing the thinking.

So there seem to have no answer to that question, and that at the base of the recognition ladder, there is perception. You don’t recognize your own consciousness by the conception of “I think”, because prior to “I think”, there has to be a moment of “I perceive”. But this seems to be, in a sense, a way to go around the question because then you are still left with the question of “who is doing the perceiving”, (if ego is merely an illusion, the result of the object/subject split) and who and what is organizing and materialistically modeling the sensory chaos?

Let’s put aside conceptions and perceptions and look at actions. Actions too, seem to be coming out of nowhere. If I swing my arm about to make a punch, what is causing that action? I know that my brain and nervous system are the cause of that action. I can say, “Oh, it’s my brain! There are electric activities in the brain, my neurons fire, sending a signal down my spinal cord down to my muscle fibers, and boom!, I move my arm”. Then you may ask: what is responsible for your brain to fire the neurons and signals necessary for me to swing my arm? You can say “It’s a decision or a thought. It’s the thought of willing and wanting to swing my arm that is causing my brain and CNS to fire”. But where does this decision originate? What’s causing this thought? Sure there must be something (or someone) that is igniting that particular will.

Before I go on, get this: Neuroscientists did experiments that confirmed that anytime you make a decision, say making a punch – the neural and synaptic signals that cause that movement are already firing, passing along, communicating with your body to make that punch before you consciously decide to swing your fist. In other words, before you consciously say to yourself “I am going to swing my fist” and do it, your brain, in a way, already knows, before you know, that you will take this action.

This sounds eerie as hell. Maybe I don’t have the control over my decisions and behaviors. Maybe my brain and nervous system decide for me what I am about to do next. I mean, isn’t it true that for the most part, we just do things without too much reflection, categorization, retrospection, and evaluation? And isn’t it true that most of our movements are not reflective, but reflexive? Often times do we become conscious of our behaviors only after they are completed? We don’t consciously make decisions about every little action or decision that we take on or do. As human beings, we are on auto-pilot for the majority of the time. Our ways of experiencing, understanding, acting, behaving, and speaking come so naturally to us on a daily basis that it really does seem to me like our brains and nervous systems are commanding and controlling our movements, not the other way around.

As crazy as it sounds, this still doesn’t get to the bottom of the issue. It still doesn’t answer my question of what causes a thought or an action. Your brain fires neurons to signal your decisions before you consciously say or think “I am going to move my arm” to that particular decision. Very well… But the question of causality still remains. What is causing your neurons to behave this way in the first place? Am I supposed to believe that there are unconscious regularization of stimuli that goes on in my brain? That neurons or subatomic structures are just swerving and bumping into each other randomly and chaotically (or deterministically and systematically) like billiard balls, and then all of a sudden these neurons decide to collectively communicate with one another to form the symbols that says “Let’s form a thought: The thought of swinging your fist!” And then boom! Something clicks in my brain. How does all this work?

Maybe there is nothing that causes anything at all. Causality may indeed be an illusion. Perhaps every single thought that we think, every action you take (perhaps even actions as insignificant as blinking), every word that is spoken, and the direction and speed of every atom in our bodies are pre-determined since the moment of the Big Bang. 13 billion years later these actions and thoughts and experiences are finally manifested into your body and nervous system. So instead of asking the 3000 year old question of “How can you be free if God already knows what you are going to do”, we should pose this question in a more contemporary manner: “How can we be free, if we are nothing but complex systems that obey physical laws?”

We know that the world operates in accordance to fundamental physical laws that govern all matter and forces in the universe. Humans too, are nothing but complex systems of molecular arrangements whose behaviors are no exceptions to physical laws. Perhaps all we consist of are empty vessels, pre-programmed machines that carry out these behaviors that are already written in stone since the Big Bang. The rest of human history and everything that happened before, down to the subatomic level, is merely a sort of “play out” in accordance to fundamental, pre-determined laws of physics.

Here you might take the quantum mechanics cop out by arguing that subatomic particles behave randomly beyond the quantum horizon. Particles just do things, out of nowhere in a probabilistic fashion. Maybe our behaviors too, are probabilities and non-deterministic and random. But quantum mechanics don’t seem to apply to the macro-world of bodies and personalities, and even if it does manifest itself in our world, is this what we really want? Swimming in randomness and probabilities isn’t freedom, it is determined chaos. And does this solve the problem of free will? I think not.

If you are still with me, you should at least agree that we all live in a deterministic system of thought, behavior, historical progression, and existences. All historical events are pre-programmed and pre-determined. There’s no room for freedom, choice, and will. Causality is an illusion, projected by the fictional inner illusion of the ego into the sensory chaos of the world. Everything is determined by fate.

This seems to somewhat solve my original question of “who or what is causing a thought”, and of “where does the infinite regression of thought ultimately end?” Well if causality is merely an illusion, and that things don’t necessarily “cause” one another because if things are just on a “play out” mode, playing out all orders, activities, processes and possibilities that were set and prescribed by the Big Bang, then everything just IS. Causality and free will can be put out of the question.

But then more contradictions and questions remain to be solved. Why is the universe THIS way instead of THAT way? Like an action of swinging my fist that I choose at this moment. Sure, all my behaviors are determined by fate and destiny. But why determine it this way? Who and what is making this decision that I would throw out this punch, at this rate, in this direction, and so on?

According to the philosopher Leibniz, God is the one who chooses the universe to be this way. It is the best universe out of all possible universes that could have existed. But God “hand picked” this universe knowing that it is the universe with the greatest goods. I don’t buy this for 2 reasons. Like wise, how does the Big Bang determine how the events in the universe will unfold? How come the universe didn’t evolve to be any other way besides the one we are living and unfolding in?

1. I don’t believe in a God who chooses destinies.
2. I don’t believe that this is the best possible universe.

Maybe our universe is just a small part of a bigger world that contains infinite numbers of other universes and that all possible universes actualize themselves out of infinite possibilities of potentialities. Every action that is actualized is the result of the exclusion and struggle of all other possibilities and potentialities. All possibilities compete and fight with each other to become actualized in time and space.

For instance, if you roll a dice it is possible that it lands on 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6. It could only land on one of these numbers. Each of these possibilities excludes the other, and only one number can be actualized in one universe. The moment that my dice lands on 3 that number is actualized in this universe, with all other numbers losing out in the struggle for actualization. But it may be possible that they are actualized in other universes. And that not only our universe is not the only universe that’s possible, all other universes are possible and contain all possible combinations of all events. The spatio-temporal system of all possible combinations will be actualized in one universe or another. Every possibility just IS. The infinite numbers of universes are all on a “play out” mode, “playing out” all possible combinations, variants, and spatio-temporal combinations of events.

The World is not just this universe and its actualization or that universe with its own distinct possibilities and actualization. The World is greater and beyond any universe because every universe is only a particular unfolding of combination of events. A universe is merely a fragment of all physically possible combinations of events. Since there are an infinite possible ways for events to unfold, combine, and play out, there are infinite numbers of possible universes in the World to contain all the spatio-temporal possibilities.

Death Ball.

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable”. – Woody Allen.

I couldn’t agree more.  

After reading some Haruki Murakami stories, I kept on thinking that inside every human body there has to be a lump or a ball of Death itself, which resides in our body from the day we are born. It’s something that looks like a rotten baseball – gummy, juicy, gooey, and wrapped in a paralyzing tangle of nerves and lumpy pimples. And when you poke on it with a thin needle, liquids of slimy pus and mucus squirt out of it…

That is the symbol of death, or of mortality itself. The way I see it, suffering, misery, depression, neurosis, anger and any type of negative emotion are the universal and the most elemental and fundamental ingredients comprising the basic aspects of human emotion that governs all human existence.  These emotions reside at the core of our psyches like the way the lump of Death resides inside our bodies. Smile and laughter, accomplished by positive emotions only emerge out of, and are layered on top of these core negative emotions of anger, anxiety, frustration and depression. These positive emotions serve as a remedy to either temporarily terminate or elevate our natural/basic tendencies of misery and suffering. The “original sin” of Christianity was based on the very same idea that humans are innately nasty, evil and sinful. This is a similar concept to the neurosis/anxious unconscious of Freud and his theory of Death Drive.   

Because it is not our natural tendency to experience happiness, happiness is the only emotion that we deliberately and persistently try [hard] to achieve and experience, and out of the six basic emotions; happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, and surprise, only happiness is absolutely positive.  I never really feel like I have to go out of my way and engage myself anything out of ordinary to feel despair, fear, or depression because negative emotions are always there, and have always been there.  Happiness is temporary and fleety, while despair, suffering and anxiety are permanent and indestructible.  And that is why within the Death-ball is a small ball of core so hard, impregnable and impenetrable that it could never be destroyed. 

Imagine yourself waking up in the morning and simply laying on your bed, and do nothing whatsoever. Suffering will eventually be inevitable. You will soon go hungry, anxious, angry, depressed or even sexually aroused. Eventually you will become so weak that you will wither and die. The lump of Death itself will slowly blow out of proportion and spread across your body like a tumor or a virus, and eventually infect your veins, blood vessels, bones, heart, lungs and other organs. Finally, death will possess your brain until you become Death itself.

Unless of course, you get busy living, and try to do something in order to avoid the natural tendency to suffer and feel miserable. Just the simple act of getting out of your bed in the morning, getting rid of your bad breath, eating breakfast to get rid of hunger resulted from a long night of fasting are elementary ways to eliminate and scrub off our core negative emotions. And of course, our attempt to build the veil of happiness that is layered on top of basic human anxiety doesn’t just stop there. We go to work, make money, and attend a good school to receive an education. We fall in love, have children, and sing in the shower.

To live then, is to constantly trying to fight off the basic human suffering and anxiety by engaging in uplifting experiences: performing acts of altruism, artistic and musical creation, joining bible study groups, cooking tasteful foods, attending political parades, etc. All these meaning-making acts are performed and participated in, in order for us to remind ourselves that the universe is meaning-less. That the universe provides us nothing and to extinguish and fight off basic human anxiety as we convince ourselves that we are to live beyond our mortality. These acts allow us to sugar-coat the lump of Death that subsists and is embedded inside our bodies.

To understand where I’m coming from, all will need to do is think of a time when you were happy, and ask yourself what brought upon that brief episode of happiness. It is usually because you have just terminated a depressive/neurosis episode you just experienced prior to your current state of pleasure. The veil of happiness is a fleeting illusion. It dissolves quickly if we don’t keep attempting to “reformulate” it and keep it hovering above our core anxiety. 

When you are happy you become immobile and lazy while lacking any sorts of motivation to do anything, since you are already at that state you were seeking after being in despair. But the veil of happiness is hard to maintain. Like the way a nude person runs around in the tundra seeking clothes and shelter for warmth and protection, we as human beings are constantly searching after and coveting the illusionary veil of happiness. We do this in order to wrap it around the lump of Death that resides in the center of our essences. But no matter how many layers of curtains of happiness we wrap ourselves in, they are bound to be washed away or dissolved, until the core of Death/mortality itself expands itself, resurfaces, and engulfs our bodies and mind once again. 

People are naturally sad; occasionally they get happy or happier, but eventually they tend to become sad again.  

Slicing Reality.

You can slice the fabric of reality in two ways.  Horizontally or vertically.   You use your thoughts, or string of consciousness to make the slices, not a butcher’s knife or a titanium blade.  In the modern times, people tend to cut across horizontally, and the results are useless debris and fragmentations of space-time.  Each slice is thin, hollow, trivial, repeated, profitable, and more often than not, esthetically pleasing.  People rarely dig and cut beneath the surface, asking only for the newest, biggest, most aesthetically pleasing, and the rifest fragmentations, but they almost never ask for the best.  This way of slicing reality reminds me of the way we act as passive observers driving our cars or watching TV.  Scenes Discontinued slices of presence is overwhelming.  Everything is so blurred and quick and framed.

However, If it is quality, not quantity that you are going after, then you should ask questions that cut deeply and vertically into the deep structures and hidden dimensions.  Questions that spiral your stream of consciousness downwards to get to the bottom of things.  Only a sharp thought or an intellectual and creative knife will allow you to cut through the stubborn surface and crust of earth until you reach the ugly and dirty root of reality – a giant death ball made out of visceral, blood, cow stomachs, pubic hair, and other inorganic material, covered in layers after layers of dust blankets  Dust covers the original and the Real the way fabrics and clothing wrap around and conceal a wounded body filled with scars and ruptured visceral.  Dust is the gentlest possible protection for objects.  Dust is an intermediary between the known and the unknown world.  Nobody wants to go here.   What you should do is cut deeply, but if you go too far beyond it you might rupture the nasty core of reality and fall off into insanity.  Because in here, objects are purely abstract and will-less. All trajectories of thoughts, lies, ideas, and feelings are projected in ways that reject and dismantle the Symbolic and the representational.  Things don’t stand for other things – they resemble nothing but themselves.

Dichotomy works fine if you are a 1 dimensional, black and white thinker.  But for 8 dimensional thinkers who have thoughts and ideas of strange shapes all curled up in hidden dimensions, you will want to have the best of both worlds.  If you are only focused on cutting deeply and vertically, you will never move forward.  Nothing new will be disclosed.  If you only cut horizontally and quickly, you can never discover the underlying form and the deep structures of things.  You want both what’s new and what’s best.  So try slicing reality diagonally, in zig-zag lines.  But play around with and be creative with the shape of the cuts – make the lines organic, unpredictable, and purposeless.   

On Lying.

A playwright once aid “It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar”. 

Lying is a complicated mechanism.  It involves highly sophisticated brain modules working together to create a believable lie.  It is also a sign that other people know what you are thinking, and vice versa.  This explains why very young children cannot tell lies,  because this “theory of mind” (where you know that other people also have minds, and that you know that they know what you might be thinking and vice versa) does not form in our heads until we are at least 3 years old. 

What I find interesting is that as much as parents would like their children to always tell the truth, it is ironic that parents often times encourage their children to lie.  For example, my mom used to tell me to lie to my grandma and tell her what a good cook she was, when in fact, she could barely fry an egg without breaking the yolks. 

It’s hard to be a good liar because we have to go against our own intentions and emotions.  On the other hand, human beings are also natural lie detectors.  All of these traits makes evolutionary sense.  According to Charles Darwin’s studies, emotions are almost impossible to fake, and are displayed on the face and body because they verifies intentions and feelings that other people can detect.    When our ancestors were living in groups to aid survival chances (hunting together, picking fruits together, protecting each other from predators), corporation was the key.  “You scratch my back and I scratch yours” works well for everybody in a given social group for as long as everybody take turns to help out each other, and that nobody gets free rides and lies and cheats.   This led humans to evolved to be natural lie-detectors, and it also explains why when somebody lies, there are also external facial cues that tell the other people that they are somehow not telling the truth.

I think the best strategy to be a good liar is to believe your own lies.  This will reduce the conflict for what your intentions/true emotions are and what your expressions show.  Your intentions will be hard to leak out if you don’t think they are yours.  For the compulsive liars and people who utilize our defense mechanisms of the ego to lie, their conscious mind sometimes conceal and suppress the truth from itself in order to hide from others.  

Despite the fact that almost all of us despite liars, most of us lie on a regular basis.  Countless psychology tests and experiments seem to confirm that most people claim they are above average and better than what they really are when representing themselves to other people.  People also tend to rationalize their own boasts by highlighting a certain aspects of their traits that they really are good at.  For instance, slow readers tell people that they are above average in comprehending the materials and that they actually read every word on the page. 

Mark Twin has this to say about human beings’ capacity to lie:

“There is one way to find out if a man is honest.  Ask him:  if he says yes, you know he’s crooked”.

This is what I was thinking about tonight to help me sleep…

I am a quantum sized dot with no dimension – no thickness, no width, and no length.  The only thing i have is duration.  I am not extended, but I am persisting through time.  I ride along side a 1-dimensioned roller-coaster (a line) that extends, curls, twist, turn up and down and loops millions of times over.  I ride alongside this roller-coaster like line across the city, state, country, wraps around the planet and eventually spirals all the way into into deep outer space.  Like a swimmer who tries to swim across a long distance, I glide when I’m tired, and accelerate when I feel energetic. I am now going very fast,  glide as far as 30 million years into the future, where I encounter the only other “being” in existence – my older self who is rides on the same roller-coaster line, but is looping back in time.  I tried to get close enough to touch it.   But it was impossible.  No two points can ever touch.  No matter how close we are, there can always be another point inserted in between us. 

I can’t sleep because my left thigh is itching. I keep scratching it but the itch just won’t go away.  I imagine what it feels like to be that itch: I am a dimensionless, oscillates mindlessly deep inside my skin.  Then I eject myself out of my skin to go on a roller-coaster ride along side a 1-dimensioned line that stretches out, curls, twist, turn up and down and loops millions of times over.  I ride alongside this roller-coaster like line across the city,  the state, the country, wraps around the planet and eventually spirals and oscillate all the way into into deep outer space, across the universe 25 million years into the future.  Here I drift endlessly across a frozen, featureless void., until I encounter another dimensionless point – my older self who is riding on the same roller-coaster, but is looping back in time.  I tried to get close enough to eat it because I am hungry from all that vomiting from the ride.    But it was impossible.  No two points can ever touch because no matter how close they are, there can always be another point inserted in between us, and another point, and another point, and another point, and another point…

Matter and Consciousness

Can consciousness be measured?  if consciousness is merely physical properties of the brain that obeys physical laws and causality, can it be quantified, reduced, deconstructed and objectively measured in the third person perspective in a mechanistic sense?   I think this question is unanswerable despite our current progress in the field of neuroscience.  The study of the mind needs a paradigm shift the way physical science progressed from the Newtonian physics to the relativity. 

If the mind can indeed be reduced to the brain to be studied in an algorithmic and empirical tradition, then we must presuppose that the mind is ultimately the expression of matter could be deduced  beyond the quantum horizon.   But what is matter?  Matter is anything that can be ‘measured’ and quantified and embodied.   But beyond the quantum horizon, what we usually called ‘matter’ is not  ‘stuff’ that are dumb and stable.  Matter is really just energy – wavering and dynamic flux and potentials full of uncertainty and random chaos that can never be directly observed and measured without altering their properties and formalities.  There isn’t no ultimate “stuff”  that makes up the universe.  Quantum physics have revealed atoms to be fields of energy based on the principle of uncertainty.  Atoms are statistical probable and spontaneous energy moving a flux that forms itself to everything else we see around us.  

What could there possible be in the universe besides matter?  Matter is simply a terminology that we derived from measurements that are subjected to the human experience.  Matter always existed because it could be measured, and measurements are merely metaphorical human constructions of  physical relations and causality between objects that are humanly imposed. When an atom comes in contact with another atom, it ‘measures’ each other by an exchange information.  Other than matter, which are external surfaces, there are heterogenous experiences and qualities that arise out of internal feelings of subjectivity which could not be quantified.

Therefore, even if we can reduce the phenomenology of the human experience and of the mind by reducing the temporally first and the spatially third person perspective of a computational meat,  there are still subjective and internal experiences, intentionality, imaginations, intermediacy, sensation, and subject feelings that are undetectable.   The mind “related” to the brain, but it requires, from the brain, a different ontological explanation,  but each is irreducible to the another.   I can put your brain under MRI and still has no idea what you are thinking about or what that piece of candy tastes like in your mouth. On the other hand, I can know what the piece of candy tastes like in your mouth (or in my mouth, for that matter), and still have no exact algorithm of the neural structures that goes on in the brain.  In other words, to observe and experience the subjective phenomenon from the top-to-bottom perspective is to lose the essence of the symbols and empirical processes of the neurons. And to tackle the matter from the bottom up is to give up the phenomenon of the subjective and intuitive human experience.     

I am not a dualist in a the traditional Cartesian sense, nor am I a physicalist.  I think to really understand consciousness, we need to step beyond the polar representations and relationships of the two extremist  perspectives because each polar perspectives are intrinsically related – the mind and the matter require one another to understand what they are.   It’s important to synthesis the two oppositions and try not to consider them as opposing terminologies.  The mind is not purely subjective and never independent of the computation of the brain while matter or the brain is not purely objective and never independent of the intentionality of the mind. I think part of the reason why the  mind/matter problem has been so black and white is because we tend to fall into the grammatical and linguistic fallacy by reducing phenomenology ( or anything else ) to either the  ‘mind’ or ‘matter’ – both are themselves metaphorical.  The least we can do is to conceptualize this metaphor in other ways : spatial/temporal. actuality/potentiality, the real and the ideal, subject and object, past and future, private and public. 

I think the last two metaphors could give rise to another possible way to cogitate the mind/body problem – recognize the private and public experiences that are constantly in the process of transactions and continue to transform themselves from the discrete past to future potentials.  The past could be viewed as habitual and physical because it has already taken place  while the future is the mental and the temporal aspect of consciousness that recognizes itself in the process of becoming.   

Statement to my poop sculpture piece

I like making work that involves excrement and bodily fluids because when I have an idea, it’s like “pong!”, and it comes out like poop.  

What’s been displayed here is a nuclear family portrait positioned in hierarchical positions and scale  – a father, a mother,  a teenage son who suffers from progeria, a androgynous 9 year old daughter and a 10 month old disfigured toddler  ( who was the result of the insestual behavior between the two children).  The members of the family are linked together and to each other by a dynamic and organic line/loop of mixture of excrement and vomit. 

The dynamic of this degenerative and compulsive family can be said to be co-dependent and neurosis.  The compulsive Coprophagia behaviors that is eliciting great emotional and physical pain are passed from member to member, generation to generation in order to survive.  The release of the feces relieves pain, while it is creating more pain for others to inherit within the dysfunctional unit. 

The excrement symbolizes the on going repulsion and tension that any nuclear family unit co-exsit upon. The exhaling/inhaling, spitting/consuming dualistic dynamics of bodily waste is a metaphor for this pull/push relationship that often mediate and permeate family members who not only nurture and give birth to, but punish and destroy each other.   This dialectic energy is what define the deeply embedded “cognitive set” upon which codependency, manipulations, neurosis, and traumas of childhood and adolescent are built upon.  

Family members who eat the same foods, breath the same air, share the same toilets and operate within the same internal/external spatial structures are likely to produce bodily wastes of similar substances and texture, body gestures, facial expressions, and even sexual fetishes.

FAT Land.

I want to live in a world where Nature finally surrenders to human destruction and decides to evolve in order to adapt itself to the needs of mankind so both parties to co-exist.

There will be pizzas growing out of trees: Ripened Pepperoni, and Hawaiian pizza slices dangling from the branches. Fresh hot dogs spring out of the ground ready to be harvested, and the ocean is made out of Red Bull or Coke. Cattle, chickens, cows, dogs and cats run freely in the wild. They are naturally made out of well-cooked hamburger meat and are covered in ketchup and ready to be eaten.

Being fat is a virtue. Instead of going to liposuction clinics to have their fat sucked out and their stomachs tighten and reduced, people expend and thicken their stomaches and install extra stomaches that come with super efficient digestive tracks. Our assholes are able to expand to unproportionate and extraordinary diameter of 5 feet…

Junk foods still come in handy plastic bags, but are composed of hunks of medals, broken glasses, and other material waste. People bring their friends and families to pig out at landfills on the weekends, consuming used cars, airplanes, and broken laptops.

And of course, people still think that they are “eating clean” by washing cooked food with soup and water and detergent before putting it in their mouth.


The best way to get a girl is to consume her and feed her your ex girlfriend. Say you meet a girl at the club, and you bring her home. What you need to do is to skin her, hang her by the hooks like a pig, take out the organs and flay the meat from the bones, grind the meat, make them into jerky or reserve it in a can, and put the rest in the freezer and label the meat by the hue of their nipples.

The next time you bring another girl home, serve her a full course meal plus desert using the previous girl’s flesh. She will not only be impressed by the new muscles and the tan you put on after consuming large quantity of gorgeous proteins, she will also be impressed by your cooking skills. On top of it, you will have no trouble preventing your girlfriend from getting jealous of your ex because she will be eating her up.

The more fertile and beautiful women you consume and cook, the healthier, better looking, and stronger you get and the more your cooking skills improve the easier it is to get more girls and so on. Just remember to take a break on the weekends by hunting down fat girls for cheat meals.

A strain of hair.

A: I want…all parts of you.
B: No…All I can give you… is a strain of my hair.

umm…a strand of hair. How great would it be if I could take a strand of a woman’s hair, plant it in the soil in my backyard and fertilize it with my own urine to cultivate and grow into another copy of the person and pull it out of the ground like carrots when it’s ready to be harvested?!

And If I live in a rice farm with 400 acres of land…I can cut off a whole handful of hair and and grow a whole field of women. (Or men, for that matter… but I am insofar not interested in male production. Unless they are slaves, personal trainers, or gay fashion designers who are useful to mankind so I can sell the surpluses). But a whole field of women would inevitably require the use artificial and chemical fertilizers, which means that there is a good chance that my women will turn out to be hermaphroditic, retarded, infertile, have lose butts that sag down to their ankles with funguses growing on their brains and spores shooting out of their ears…

A: Okay, I’ll take your strain of hair.