Letter to a friend (part 2)

To you who isn’t my girlfriend,

You told me this morning that you got accepted into the college of your choice and how happy and excited you were. I am very happy for you. The thought of you going away makes my fingernails and teeth melt. A part of me is disappointed because you are no longer a high school pupil, the other part of me is sad because we would be apart. But when two people are apart they have to blow up their souls even bigger in order to stretch them out to meet each other’s ends. I envy you. I wish I was young like you and had something that big and excited in my life that I can be this happy about. You said that I have you, and that alone should make me happy. But I acquired you slowly and gradually over time and space…which isn’t a sudden burst of happiness like the way somebody wins a lottery, or the way you received the news about your acceptance this morning. It’s not as if somebody put you in a box, and then delivered it to my door, and I opened it and you jumped out with no clothes on, put me inside your body and said “I’m yours!” – Like a big surprise. If that was the case then I would probably feel the same kind of happiness as you do at this moment.

But then again, if that was the case then I probably wouldn’t like you as much, or that my affection for you would fade rather quickly. I think that happiness should be spread out across time. Most people sit around and wait for the “big moment”, or that “big break” to keep them happy for the rest of their lives. But it’s not the big rewards in life that makes us happy, but small, and frequent ones. A little bit of reward here and there serves us better than one large reward. You would be better off making $100,000 every year for 10 years than making $1,000,000 in one year. I think human beings are equipped with what one might called a “psychological immune system” – an unconscious cognitive process system that helps them change and re-adjust their views of the world, so they can feel better about the world in which they live in. After 6 months, people who become paralyzed return back to their level of happiness 5 months prior the accident, and are no more happier and miserable than people who won the lottery after the same amount of time has passed…So find out what makes you happy – whether it’s having a lot of sex, drinking beer, and going for a swim… and do a lot of it, but in small frequent portions!

As I said, I like you because I acquired you slowly, day by day. It is as if somebody delivers a small part of you each day. One day I would receive a box with just a few strands of your hair, and then a couple of days later I would get a box of your nose, and then the next day your face, and then your various organs, skin, fingernails…and then your arms and legs and then your heart and brain, and then finally, the fragments of your thoughts and dreams – which I think are the hardest parts to assemble together and construct. Descartes thinks that body parts are extensions in space and that thoughts are non-extendable substances that are made out of entirely different matter. But I think you can cut up, construct, and re-arrange thoughts just as well as you can do so with body parts. The hard part is to arrange and assemble your thoughts together in the combination that you would think and miss me with. I would have to use efforts – the engagement of my own bodyparts and thoughts with yours to put all those parts of you together like the way you assemble a complex machine. If I didn’t paste you together and arrange your parts the way I did, in the correct sequence and combination under the right systematic schema, you would probably not function the way you do now, which means you would probably end up liking somebody else. I think comparing to the version of the WHOLE you that got delivered to my door, this version of you and this way of acquirement seem much more rewarding and everlasting. When you acquire something quickly and suddenly, you tend to lose it quickly and suddenly as well. That’s why I dont like to fall for people on first sight. I hope when you do leave my life one day, you could do so by letting me take you apart slowly, part by part, thought by thought, instead of suddenly disappearing on me like most of the other people I’ve met in my life.

Maybe I would even have small fragments and fractions of your brain stuck in my fingernails and in between my teeth while I am taking you apart with my hands and mouth. Would this mean that I get to keep a part of your thoughts, memories, and dreams? (You would have to be a materialist to have such a belief. You would have to be convinced that the mind and the brain ARE indeed the same). I would just not clean my fingernails or brush my teeth for as long as I could. But then my breath would end up smelling like you and that would probably drive the next girl that I make out with insane! Or that when I finger her I would leave tiny bits of you inside her vagina, which means part of our memories and dreams would be integrated within somebody else’s body. I think that’s what we do when we interact with different people. We incorporate and join together parts of us, physically and mentally (whether they are memories and thoughts or body parts) with one another to form new spiritual and visceral experiences…For example, if I made love with 10 girls, the 11th girl that I have sex with could somehow, physically and spiritually, be experiencing the previous 10 girls that were under my belt. Maybe she would catch the diseases that I caught from the other girls, or that the emotional and physical mannerisms that I displayed in front of her from the experiences with previous girls could somehow be outpoured and manifested onto and into her body and mind, and she would in turn, integrate these experiences and happenings with the people she encounters and interacts with next, so on and so on…

PS. I had another dream about you. I killed a mosquito that had your body and face.