Sometimes you try as hard as you can to try to control everything that is within your control to make sure everything goes as you planned and that nothing gets messed up. But just when you think that everything is running smoothly, everything is under control, and that nothing could go wrong…well, there is always one last thing that could throw EVERYTHING off and fuck everything up…that is if you are dreaming this whole thing up.
Once you wake up, everything that you planned out, and everything that you made sure ran perfectly would be destroyed in an instance, and all the hard work that you put into it would be gone, 100 percent. Have you ever had this uneasy and uncanny feeling about your current surroundings and state of affairs? I feel this way all the time. I am always paranoid that I might be dreaming. So I always tell myself not to feel too happy or too good about myself and whatever it is that I’m doing because I don’t want to be disappointed if I am indeed dreaming.
This happened to me last night. I abducted my ex girlfriend from her boyfriend’s house, and we were planning a long road trip to get away from everything and to just settle in this room with no corners (one which I built specifically for this purpose) and have one last fuck before that room condenses itself to the size of an atom and crush our bodies. Everything went according to my plan – I finished building the house in time, I abducted her without making any noises/fuss, my car didn’t run out of gas, I didn’t get lost, I made sure I drove very carefully so I don’t get into an accident, I prepared enough food and water for the car ride, and I even seduced and convinced her to sleep with me without complains or hesitation so I wouldn’t have to rape her. I even successfully took off her bra without the hook in the back getting stuck. But this whole time I was thinking…could this all be a dream? Am I just wasting my time and efforts? And this uneasy feeling grew very strong l when I finally took off her panties. I was afraid for a nightmare to come true – a nightmare within my dream. And the nightmare came true. I woke up.
I got depressed as hell for the rest of the night that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t want to have another wonderful trip/dream and having to wake up again knowing that I did everything for nothing. This is why I am paranoid all the time…and that I am always afraid to go all out and try to control everything so that everything goes 100 percent in accordance to my plan because deep within my mind, I know that this could all be over once I wake up.