My Ideal Weddings/Funeral.

I can’t get used to the idea that if somebody dies; he is automatically praised.  The respect for the dead by default doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  The dead should be the least respected of all people, because well, they are DEAD!  They don’t have the consciousness to appreciate your late (and phony) concerns, praises, and respects, so why bother to do it?   Why do we voluntarily say good things about the dead?  Shouldn’t the praises (if deserved), be articulated BEFORE the person is dead and when he still has the consciousness to hear them?  I think most funerals and weddings are equally phony and shamefully forged.  It’s almost by social default that we are supposed to feel sad at funerals and happy during weddings.  Well, what if I want my funeral to be held on a rollercoaster where my family members strap my corpse at the front end of the rollercoaster with everyone else sitting behind me for a joy ride? 

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to get rid of funerals.  I think funerals are necessary, but for the exact opposite reasons as to what people think they are for.  Funerals, if they must be held, should be events not of praises and respects, but for abuse, destruction, and TRUTH.  Funerals are perfect places for people to verbally and physically abuse the dead, precisely because they no longer have the consciousness to take offense. 

I want everyone to come to my funeral with a list of all the wicked and aberrant things that I had done in my life – everything that I said and did that offended anybody should be brought out in the open, discussed, and expressed.  This could be a very cathartic event, where people can really get rid of stress and get things off of their chest.  A microphone would be passed around, and each person should have his or her turn to share with everyone the mischievous endeavors I had engaged in during the time that I was alive.  I would even invite anybody and everybody to physically abuse my body.  There would be a whole display of weapons, artilleries, and destructive devices of various kinds for people to choose from.  Everyone is invited to pick out the weapons of his choice to violate, abuse, and exploit my body with as much force and cruelty as he wishes.  I want people to spit on my corpse, step on it, cut it into pieces, burn it, or even eat it.  In fact, a COMPLETE demolition of the body is preferred.   That way, there wouldn’t be a need to bury or cremate me, and the expenses that would have been wasted on coffins, burial spaces, and all of the other bullshit processes that go along with burials could be saved for better and more useful purposes.  And if people are nice enough to eat my body, then the money for drinks and caterings could be saved as well.     

How about my wedding?  Personally I prefer engagements.  The longer, the better. I want to be engaged my entire life, and to get married only after me and my spouse are dead.  This is the surest way to avoid a divorce.  Actually, I want my funeral and my wedding to be held at the same time.  There could be divided sections between the people who come to grief and the people who come to cheer.  I expect people to fight among themselves and others which group they prefer to join.  Do you come here to grief my death or celebrate my wedding? Or do you come here to despise my wedding and to cheer over my death?  Perhaps a blend of (mixed) emotions over both events? I imagine there would be a host of emotional and moral conflicts one must resolve with himself and/or with others during such an event, but that’s the whole point of it all, to confront yourself and others and solve whatever dilemmas that are holding you back from expressing your essences, since the social obligation to feel sad at funerals and happy at weddings by default no longer apply in my case.

I always feel bad for the folks who travel all the way across the country to attend weddings just because they feel rude for not showing up.  I also feel bad for all the work that newlyweds have to go through just to set up an event that seems extraordinary, as if that is the only way to secure their mairrage in the future.    I fact,  I think that’s why people go out of their ways to make weddings so extravagant…to remind themselves (when their marriages aren’t going so well) that they had once put a lot of efforts, thoughts, and money to this craze, so they better not end it so quickly and easily.

I want my wedding to take place in my bedroom, where I would set up a web cam and broadcast the event through the internet. That way, people won’t need to worry about not showing up.  You could sit at home halfway across the globe while you are plugging your eyebrows and sipping on coffee and still “attend’ my wedding.

OR, I could make an event on facebook for my wedding. Then, I would make a list of all the people who didn’t confirm to my invitation. Since they are too busy to come to my wedding, I would bring the party to them instead. I would bring along my wife, balloons, boom boxes, and kick down the doors of those people who refused me at 4 o’clock in the morning and celebrate it in their kitchen, so they could catch the party before they have to go to work.