My experience with a maid.

When I was 9, my parents hired this incredible maid to take care of housework and to babysit my baby brother.

My first impression was, damn this woman was dumb. So I stole my dad’s encyclopedias and forced her to read it. I would lecture her when she was trying to wash dishes and afterwards test her knowledge and to see if she got any smarter. I remember one time, she couldn’t distinguish between a cheetah and a leopard, so I hit her in the head with my own head and she fainted on the floor for 10 minutes and woke up with a red face. My dad beat me up for it…but I am positively sure that she faked it to get me in trouble.

She also stole my fucking Jurassic park T-shirt. I remember looking for it for weeks, and then I saw it in her closet. She told me that she bought that for her son, but that I could have it as a gift if I wanted! Fucking epic.

One thing she was proud of was that, being such a good maid/baby sitter, she could make my brother eat everything and anything (because apparently my brother would never eat when my mom fed him). That’s all good and sweet, except for one thing – my brother was still skinny as a goddamn monkey and never gained so much as half a pound despite all that food he was supposedly be “eating”. So I figured she must be up to something, either throwing it away or hiding it underneath the bed or worse, fed it to our dogs. So I hid in the bathroom when she was feeding my brother during lunch, and she fucking ate that baby food shit herself to make it look like my brother ate it!

One day, I saw her bending over to clean the dust in the corner. So I went up to her and started humping her back until I got an orgasm. And then I started interrogating her about her sexual experiences and history. Then she told me how she would suck on her husband’s cock and demonstrated to me how she did it with a banana. I couldn’t believe that people actually sucked dick, and I asked her if it was true, and she said “Of course, he is my husband”. Then she showed me how she moaned in bed and i started to imitate her moaning until both of us were moaning and panting uncontrollably on the ground.

The most annoying thing was that she talked on the phone all the fucking time with her family in Philippines (LONG DISTANCE and wasting our phone bill). My parents already warned her not to do that, but she still sneaked out to the living room 3 in the morning to do what was forbidden. She made the phone smelled like shit because she had bad oral hygiene and spit into the phone and stained it with plagues, blood, and saliva.

I used to smell the phone on purpose and use that foulness as an evidence that she was at it again and made my parents smell that shit too to get her in trouble. One time I opened up the phone handle and looked into it with a microscope, and saw fucking mushrooms growing out of it. Just unbelievable.

And when I was finally leaving to go to America at the age of 10, she started crying and said that she was sorry and that she would miss me. Then she hugged me and kissed me in the cheek and drooled all over my face on purpose. Best goodbye gift I’ve ever gotten for sure.