Sneezing sTyle.

What’s your sneezing style?

One of my favorite things to do has always been to watch people after they sneeze and observe what they do with their spit.

Most people who are self consious look around to make sure people aren’t looking and quietly and sneakily wipe their sliva- filled hands on their jeans (but they can’t escape my gaze). I call those people The Sneakies.

Some people who are more obnoxious by nature wipe it on their clothes without looking around. I call these people Straight Ups.

And then there are people who are even more obnoxious and dirty and just sneeze into the atmosphere without any attempt to cover shit up. I call these folks The Exposers and sometimes I would run into the airy patch of sneeze bubble and break the particles apart like a sprinter running through the finish line and inhale every one of those motherfuckers deep into my lungs.

Then you have the Naturals or the Nattys- people who sneeze raw – directly into their palms and either fold it into a fist because they want to hold on to and keep the sneeze(?) or just let it naturally dry up.

And finally you have the Hygentics – people who carefully unpack and unfold tissue papers, sneeze gracefully into it, then wipe their noses and mouths clean, and then carefully fold the tissue paper into perfect squares.

Did I miss anything?

I think this should be part of the standard psychology or personality tests. What you do with your spit after you sneeze tells me more about who you are than what kind of underwear you buy at the mall.

A few years ago I was going to ask a girl out on a date when I saw her sneezing in the subway. And then she turned out to be a classic Hygentic. And I was like fuck it, it’s never going to work out.