Fuck man. I was depressed so I didn’t shower for like a week, and all those shit stains that were left over around my angus rotted or something and bacteria and some other microscopic organisms must have began chewing up and decomposing my skin around it for a while now, creating tiny little wounds.
When I took a shower today and washed my ass with shampoo, it FUCKING STINGS when I sit and walk.
Here is how I found out my ex cheated on me when I was 19: I saw another man’s sperm stuck in between her teeth when she smiled at me deceptively on a summer day. The hot sun made the sperm sparkle like a new born star.
I never told her that was how I found out though. It’s awkward enough to tell a girl she has spinach stuck in between her teeth, let along sperm.
Know that feel, bros?
MY MAIDS FIGHTING!
So we hired a new maid and now we have 3 ( I think it’s to help me bulk. Her job description is rather vague).
And one time after I came home, I saw the newest one (maid C) crying in the corner of the kitchen because maid A bitched at her for not doing as good as a job as maid C…
It was a real strange, awkward, and gruesome confrontation and my 91 year old grandpa had to break it off (verbally) in the middle of the night.
Then the next morning I realized what had happened:
They were ALL on their periods, AT THE SAME TIME!
How do I know this?
Well, I checked carefully (with gloves, of course) their tampons and the “attached” contents…they were most definitely distinct.
Then I read about how when living in groups, the female primates would always ovulate together (hormones being passed over between females to signal this) to avoid ALL of the male primates to jump on the only one(s) who were ovulating in a gang bang.
Its’s how we were evolved ! EVOLUTION’s GENIUS!
At least now my dad, my grandpa, and uncle can have their equal shares in peace.
The world would be such a better place if fish don’t have bones. Imagine munching on fish like burgers without having to pin-pick it.
My maids definitely think I’m homosexual with all those dildos and Tom Cruise posters in my room. They don’t understand the concept of no homo and LOlz.
They just don’t understand how boys and worship Tom Cruise, just as little girls like Britney Spears. Except for imitating her sexual activities and slutty behavior, I imitate Tom Cruise’s athleticism, intensity, and generosity.
Strong 3rd world unawares.
I just got my first check from google. I’m gonna use that money to order some psychedelics and supplements, so I can become bigger, stronger, and crazier.
And then more people will pay attention to me and watch my videos, and I will get even BIGGERRRRRRRR AND CRAZZIIIEERRRRRR.
Spell check is getting even more racist.
I just tried to type “bery happy~” to sound asian, but it automatically rendered my word Caucasian with “very” right after I typed it. Didn’t think twice. At least highlight it, and let me choose the “correct” word like before man.
I hate it when I ask people with generic names like Michael Chen or Mary Kim what their Facebook is, they automatically give me their names as they are, thinking that I can find them and that there aren’t already a million other people with the same names.
And when I ask them to be more specific, they say shit like “Oh it’s the asian guy with short hair :)”
Unless your name is Ojalala Bu Sungarikasamum de Larson or you have down syndrome…
give me your account’s name you fucking fucktards.
Inauthentic as FUCK.
I overheard my maids talking shit about me. They were saying how they are sick of making protein shakes for me 4 times a day, and that I’m getting fat from it. Strong 3rd world ignorance. Totally unaware.
Just wait until I go on roids. They’re gonna have to do the injections. They be mad as FFAAAAAAAACCCKKK
I called my gf a phaggot, and now she is so pissed she won’t see me anymore.
I am fucking depressed. Hopeless. And in despair.
So I wrote a letter to Tom Cruise. With all my heart.
Why did God put me in the universe where he apparently spent more time designing every square inch of Tom Cruise?
Worst off, why did God put Tom Cruise inside the television box, but left me outside of it? Why can’t we both in the box from the start, or vice versa?
But now that we are separated by a thin television screen, I doubt I can ever lay my hands on you, not even to juggle your small and cute testicles in my callouses filled hands…I bet I could toughen them up a bit and even make you fertile, so you could have both Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, AND my lover and kids all at the same time.
We could have done everything together,
Read scripts together,
Jump down from buildings together,
Laughed hysterically together…and then stop, pause, point, and continue laughing together…
Shopped for sunglasses together,
Shopped for wigs together,
And of course, smear peanut butter and fish blood all over our wives, real daughters, adopted daughters, dogs, even expensive artwork, and underwear before they even come out of the new plastic shopping bags.
Think about it.
When I see you, Tom, on TV and in movies – your explosive strength, your intensity, your firm glutes, quick first step, your sprinting technique, generosity, good looks,the way you stand up for your beliefs, and unique ways of seeing the world, how you are so passionate about everything in life, and the sincere, not-give-a-shit-what-other-people-think-not-even-obese-black-women kind of true love for your lovers…I just can’t help but seeing a little bit of me inside you.
I always fall for the wrong girls because of the intensity that vibrated through my body. “I don’t play games!”, you said. “REspect the cock!” you said “Be true to yourself!”. You also said.
But that’s how I got played, Tom. They can’t take our honesty, our ability to be yourselves, and our glow in the dark teeth and vibrating and spinning eyebulges.
Tom, here is how I know it would be the Truth if we stayed together.
My testicles produce way too much sperm for my own sake. And I hate myself for having such a defect, one that almost forces me to masturbate multiple times daily just so I can regain my everyday functionality and normal states of consciousness.
I think this is why we are a perfect match for each other.
I was supposed to COMPLETE you. Every time I fap…I am jizzing out and wasting YOUR sperm… where they should have been produced, migrated, and ejaculated through your body…
And my penis…it’s uncircumcised tip which often times leads to foul smell… I think it belongs to you man. It is small, yet full of energy and the erection acceleration speed is fast. Don’t you see? that’s just..so .. you!
This is what I think we should do. I will trade my penis for your balls.
How’s that, Tom? To our daughters and wives won’t tell the difference, I swear. To the wives, they will just be…you know, COCKS.
For our little daughters, they will just be that SOMETHING which is too big and a little rough on the edge.
But gotta watch out for that adopted boy of yours Tom. Kids in that age love to observe the tiny details on older penises…especially if they belong to fatherly figures whom he feels most connected to in a respectful way.
I used to hate the fact that I was an inch taller than you. I kept trying to find literature or magazines that listed you at 5’8…but most of them listed you at 5’7, some even went for 5’6. DAMN those tabloids.
Which just means that I have more work to do: I used to do calve raises for hours at a time in the gym because my coach told me they stunt growth just because I wanted to make myself shorter so that when we look out into the world, we could always see the same bald guy in front of us in the movie theater…so we can both miss out, visually, that one little slice of the movie on corner of the screen – TOGETHER. Nothing more, nothing less.
This was why I started going to the gym Tom,
The REAL reason.
Now that I can run as fast as you…
I hope you saw me…in you…
when I ran…
^ there’s my life’s work for you. Your video tribute.
If 2 people always blink or close their eyes at exactly the same time, then their eyes would always be wide opened, at least to each other.
If I was God, I would write a program that strings and connects everyone’s eyelids together telekinetically, even the animals’ so that the whole universe blinks in synchrony to negate the concept of blinking with blinking by blinking.
Even better, I will hook it up to my Eye, and be the lead blinker of the universe. Whenever I blink, so will everything else. And everything’s eyes will be wide open. forever.