Jeff Seid

I had another prophetic vision about Jeff #Seid. We were training our back by face pulling the train that killed Greg #Plitt. Sort of like a way of remembering him.
Then we took a selfie together for Instagram and he did the asian V sign and gave a bunch of shout outs to the camera even though he knew it was a pic not a vid. Then suddenly I felt his hand on my dick. I was sure it was an accident because he pulled it back explosively and pretended nothing happened, but nevertheless I was rock hard…but it wasn’t because I was turned on but because I needed to pee (carry over from waking life). I became embarrassed and I wanted very much to confess the difference, but before I could he showered my soul by disclosing his own confession; that it wasn’t an accident his hand fell on my penis, he wanted to touch it. I smiled and withheld my own truth, and then he nodded and tagged me on his page and I gained thousands of new followers instantly. @jeff_seid #nohomo #natty #sexy #cancer #lucid #waking #love #life #shrek #shrug #sharkgym #double #deception #meta


kitty

My material for gf is… 1. BBC genetics.
2. She doesn’t have to be intellectually deep. But she has to feel deeply and intensively about everything that she thinks is beautiful, which could be anything, especially things that are mundane and boring to me.
3. She is artsy without being an artist or looking hipster. She looks basic on the outside, and dresses like the type that you take to clubs for people to mire. But inside there has to be something more, preferably something fucked up, saying unexpected shit like this during sex; “I’m going to stop moving now and pretend I’m a blow up doll and you have to make me real. You are the only person I know who has enough imagination to do this.” – @kitty_780913

I really like thIs girl. But I’m a bit afraid of her. She’s like the black swan/BBC version of Vivian. They have similar feels, write almost exactly the same stuff on FB statuses. Come to similar conclusions about life on shrooms. coincidentally they ended up working at the same club in Singapore. One time we went shopping and I picked out a pair of underwear for her. I found the exact same pair in my closet where Vivian puts her old stuff.
She’s one of the few people in my life that hasn’t grown tired of my shit, not even for a second. I think it’s because I’ve known her for a year but I’ve only seen her 5 times. But like max effort squats, that should be applied sparingly due to its traumatic and powerful effect on the body and mind, our brief encounters happen at the edge of consciousness, fueled by endless exchange of bodily and artificial fluids. This is how I’m planning to keep her around for life. By keeping a distance and by never making her a gf or develop #romance.
What’s your material like?
#shark #hypertrophy #human #genome #bbc #mdma #rice #deep #throat #thought


Japanese virtuoso performs Mendelssohn’s violin. Heard and played this piece many times so I tried to do and perceive something different. To deconstruct it not particularly musically this time.
#Note to self:
I tried to strip all the proxy away to get to the core of the ‘music’ aka deeper and underlying structure to reveal a Whole from fully functional parts. I’m sitting in the back so I can’t see the musicians because usually I check them out rather than getting beyond the physical conduits. Starting with the orchestra, I get rid of each person starting with soloist then the instruments starting with the violins until you get a Lynchian sound-without-band/Deleuze body-without-organ type thing.

Then I strip away the sheet music on the stands and the musical notes on it and finally the sounds until everything became a frozen spatial architecture not limited by a single dot moving through time that only discloses itself one slice at a time on a moment by moment basis. tried to visualize this shape and then strip away the variations of it by reducing the architecture into smaller and smaller bits until it’s just the core that all other shapes arises from, which if you translate it back to sheet music it’s maybe a few bars long and so small that it can actually fit inside my brain.

The performance itself gets better and grows with each movement. The whole thing was very smooth and minimalistic, rolling without sharp edges. Not shiny at all, which was not surprising becoz it’s kinda Japanese I guess…It felt like, instead of scratching my itch with his finger nail once or twice to get rid of it he smoothened it out with the tip of his fingers 20 times.
Because I was playing around with the deconstructing and the Witnessing thing, it wasn’t until by the second half of the last movement that I finally I felt a physiological response. And It’s not until the last page that My body began to respond to these responses and moving my hands and feet and head and eyeballs. Usually I can’t zoom out so I get the physical reaction from the start. Next time I want to be aware of all levels simultaneously.


Return letter to /fit,
Dear /fit miss you inside #Scoobys plane #Asia needs bypass code berry expensive for tickets to post so now busy #selfie and vagina away from Palm fold and transcend to heterogenous cooperate secretary wombs. Once propel plane with skatersquaat back to AMercian Will start posting again spatial-temporally in #phenomenological /fit love FRonk aka Tom cruise the sprinting part aka #human #acid trip 142 lbs Bradd Pitt fight club aka asian american psycho. By @sarahmargaretlee


This is one of the most trollish paintings in the history of art and it reveals much about life.

Anamorphosis is a form of suspense of a hidden knowledge that once disclosed, drastically alternate your belief in the particular reality you are presented with.

The Ambassadors, a painting that discloses the heroic accoutrement of the Renaissance is a classic example of this.
Look carefully at the bottom of the painting. If you tilt your head and change the perspective of the elongated stain, it turns into a skull. The surplus of this information renders the feels and meanings of the painting completely, into a remainder of death and mortality.

Another example is watching a scene from a film thinking what X is happening is true, but then be confronted with another cut (either before or after depending on if you are watching the film in order) that changes X to Y. We are confronted with anamorphosis on a daily basis, a lot of the times we live with a sense of hidden knowledge, and a lot of it that we choose to hide from ourselves.

A good example of this is when a father chooses not to confront with the status of his daughter’s virginity.
For me anamorphosis works in multiple levels as one descends deeper into ‘truth’, and we navigate through life by disclosing and concealing certain truths in multiple layers of play between the imaginary and reality, and our perceptions and desires are always framed and predicated upon certain surplus knowledge and anamorphic stains.
Seen this way, fantasy is not just imagination running wild, but is grounded and enacted from certain pieces of reality and frames of references of the object that our subjectivity gains access to. #Renaissance #painting #art #history #fantasy #real #imaginary #troll


I speculate that one of the reasons why the fitness community in the world is flourishing in recent years is due to the fact that our lives hover so much in the abstract (Internet, social medias, smart phones, and etc) that we need something solid and concrete to hold on to and ground ourselves with.
My friend said the more he is addicted to his smart phone the harder he needs to lift and more muscles he needs to built for counter balance. Of course the Internet also provides information and knowledge about diet and training that would be inaccessible otherwise.

I put out my first video the week Youtubebecame available. And at that time there were still not very many people who knew how to squat or deadlift properly. I remember having to order video tapes from Westside Barbell to watch squat videos and you never had to wait for squat racks. Now everywhere you go there are people squatting and deadlifting.

Me and my friend @2ezpz were watching some of the videos of us working out together at our home town years and years ago and he pointed out that we are in fact the fitness pioneers of the digital age. I don’t know about that, but Im proud to say that years before, Hodgetwins, Elliott, gym shark Zyzz (I heard Zyzz actually watched my videos before he started lifting and that I ‘inspired’ him to troll with muscles on) there I was squatting deep and uploading such information and movements (and other aspects of our lives) onto the infinite space of the Internet aka collective subconscious and I’ll continue to do so for the next 50 years. Thanks for being there and contributing to this collective journey #deep #swaut #internet #penetration #squat #deadlift


kitty2
Imperfection comes a long way. I like things to be just a tiny bit fucked up.

One part of this is perceptual – when you look at something that is “perfect”it leaves no room for the imagination to work on filling the gap, making it mind numbing.

The other is psychological – when someone acts like he cares about something too much, it’s kind of low movies that take themselves too seriously. That’s probably why girls don’t like guys that are under 8 percent bf and eat super clean.

That’s why I’m not into fitness chicks or Victoria secret models as much as girls that look like they kind of lift but has that tiny bit of extra love handles on their stomach. That’s why those college girls that drink beer and eat pizza are so hot because they don’t give a fuck. There’s something pussy about Being too anal.

Too mechanical. Too meticulous. Too deliberate. Too robotic. Like the musician that plays every note in tune. I’d rather listen to someone who fucks up here and there and plays with emotions and is so flow and ‘cool’ that he doesn’t even care if messes up.

If you don’t care yourself that you mess up and you mess up, it’s a lot more convincing than if you care a lot about not messing yet still messes it up. I also dislike photos or videos that are super crystal clear. I love grains and old tv static. It’s less real, more dreamy.


From a certain perspective, ‘materialism’ is not “materialistic”. Or I should say, it is a symptom of a larger set of problems . When someone wants to buy/collect something, he is merely trying to communicate his mind. When a man wants to buy a car to please his girlfriend or to show off to his friends he is asking for (and buying) love and acceptance, which is anything but material based, it is sentimental and emotional. In a way, materialism does not exist. In b4 language game. #materialism #car #friendship #game #language #consumption


(This is not a dream but a series of images that when strung together like pearls sounds like a short story played out in my head during meditation). I wasn’t sure if I was just really old or if I was my grandpa who hates my guts but is now at the hospital for faking a heart attack because one of our maids who is probably also fucking my dad won’t give him a hand job (this part is real) I was about to walk across the Great Wall of china with nothing but a cane and a bag of whey and no water to get to a tiny hard core powerlifting gym in the other side to train with a 4 feet tall, 90 pound powerlifter who lives in there. The walk was going to take months or even years but I was determined to make it. About a month into the solitary walk a pink Lamborghini pulled next to me and as the window rolled down I saw a black man with perfect physical aesthetics wearing the hybrid of Samuel L Jackson and Pharrall Williams for a face and Armani and Jordans for shoes and socks and everything else in between. He had corn rolls that glistered not from unwashed oil but from a sense of newness not found in nature. It seemed to have the plant like ability to roll and cleanse themselves under optimum sunlight and temperature. “Would you like a ride across the Great Wall?” He asked me with the perfect American (lack of) accent. He grinned and each teeth was a mirror that served as perfect reflections of the worlds. I thought about it for a long time. Finally I said, “Sure. Under one condition. If we don’t say a word to each other during the entire ride”. I always hate getting ride from people I don’t know that well because all the chit chats are waste of time and if I established right from the start that none of us shall talk then it’s less awkward. Kind of like pointing out a person’s pimple right when you meet her for the first time instead of knowing its existence but pretending not to see it. In this case the pimple was the silence. The first thing I realized once I hopped into his car was how the interior was completely off. The windows were manual and the seats were dirt old and cheap and definitely wasn’t leather. The steering wheel looked scratched out but you could barely make out the contour of a Toyota logo. The ride was smooth. Despite the shitty interior the sound proof system was so future that not only could you not hear even the tiniest particle of sound, but it’s turned inside out: When I turned on the music it was silent. When I tried to talk it was silence that came out. He didn’t say a single word. (He couldn’t anyway). In fact he was so silent that he didn’t even breathe. My mirror neurons started firing and soon I was also holding my breath too. So here we are, holding our breaths in total vacuum of silence driving down the Great Wall of China with nothingness on our minds. Then something started to arise from this stillness. It was a thought. Or more specifically, the image of a black cock crawling it’s way from the peripheral of my consciousness towards the center – hovering in mid space. Since there was nothing else that exists in my mind at this point, there was nothing to determine the true nature of this thought, rendering the size of it completely obsolete and indeterminate. But that was enough to get me curious. I had to determine the size of this thing with my mouth in order to scratch that itch at the bottom of my subconscious. Slowly I moved my arm towards the driver’s crotch. But as my fingers reached their destination, there was nothing to be stripped away. There was no zipper. There was no Armani jeans. No Jordan sneakers. Actually I should say that these things from a material perspective existed and were right there in front of me…but they were stripped of their functionalities by being one and the same as his body (instead of something that covers up his body as a separate entities) therefore their existence, at least from a phenomenological perspective was meaningless. Which means that not only was his muscular physique an illusion but he had no penis. I closed my eyes so I could comprehend and reason through the philosophical implication of this madness. But something else more profound was taking place. The physical impossibility of what happens next could not be articulated here. It would be like trying to imagine the 5th dimension. But as I opened my eyes I found his head resting comfortably on my crotch. He was sucking my cock gently while keeping his eyes glued to the road; his tongue moved in precise synchrony with the movement of the lambo which was being driven smoothly at 200 miles a hour through the curvatures of the Great Wall! It was a classic display of road head alright, but like everything else that has been happening, it was reversed and turned inside out… This was the end of my 20 minute meditation.


I remember commenting on Ogus’s status one day when he posted a screen shot of his channel reaching 80k subs. I asked him whether he would feel like he was lifting for subscribers, and that what gets inside his blood stream and pump the muscles are not proteins but abstract numbers and digital representations of people he’s never met, and the number of his followers and his muscles grow in synchrony in a feedback loop.
Can’t say I’m not guilty of this to a certain extend (not that it’s a bad thing). But on this bulk I would like to approach it from the opposite direction. I want to absorb, quietly but attentively and fill my entire body with all the negativities, adversities, misunderstandings of life and when I go to the gym I can release and turn the energy outward into positive energy and use them as bumpers to bounce off of the hole in the deep squat or on the bench.
I also want to observe and pay attention to the changes in the (negative) spaces around my body rather then the contours and shapes of my body itself. I remember in drawing classes the good teachers always recommend the students to not just look at and draw the lines on the subject but everything else around it to gain a broader perspective. The same could be applied to bodybuilding.

How’s the space in the elevator different now that my biceps are bigger? What does the kitchen smell like now that my body needs more protein? How does that girl position herself when she’s on top of me now that I have abs? And what is the content of her mind as a result of this difference? Are the bumpers on the road of life being ironed out by my muscles so I can go further and higher? Am I getting bigger or is the world getting smaller ? #negative #space #clean #bulk #feels #nonsense #contour #absorption #sleep @atlas_athletics14


Read a quote by Freud today. He said that love is the “psychosis of the normal people”. What he means is that most people only experience attributes of mental illness, delusions, euphoria, drug experiences, meditative states, and various other signs of altered states of consciousness through love (and also sex. For most people, sex is the only activity they are allowed to totally ‘let go’ without filter and return to a primal state of being). In other words, love is one of the only legit high most people get to experience.

But what about people that experience these things on a regular basis (other than love) anyway? does love seem to lose its significance and perhaps becomes pale in comparison to all other possible altered states one can choose to experience and express?
What about swingers with multiple mental disorders who are madly love with each other, combine multiple drugs on a regular basis and read Freud too? They’ll probably just feel like they are cats. #Freud #love #sex #cat #altered #consciousness #euphoria #psychosis #normality #troll

kitty3


He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you (Nietzsche) …. unless you grab onto your own ass and be reminded of the materiality of flesh, and thus your mortality. The more massive the flesh, the more you are able to hold on to the physical reality.
This is also why I love women with big butts. During sex the mind is expressed in, and projects itself into one of the deepest abysses known to mankind, and I don’t know how many times I’ve held myself back from falling into this immeasurable depth completely by holding tightly onto their torsos for dear life.
But the ultimate question is, why cling on to reality? What’s wrong with given yourself up to the abyss and become a monster?


kitty5

On sleep.

how many hours of sleep do you get? how many do you need? I’m always afraid to go to bed because I’m always bombarded by thoughts.
I think children’s nightmares and scary bedroom stories that has to do with sleep might have been an extension of the fact that we are all scared of our own minds and that before we fall asleep it’s when we are the most alone with our thoughts in the entire day, in complete darkness.

What happens after you fall asleep can be comforting though,

The unconscious, dreamless sleep is the great equalizer of humanity. No matter if you are the president of the United States or Bin Ladin or a homeless guy, when you fall asleep you are all rendered the same.
In a way, the unconscious state is the more Nature state where all is One. When you wake up in the morning you emerge out of Oneness to be individuals who goes on to live different lives…and for many this act is rather tedious and unnatural ; you have to drag yourself out of bed and ingest artificial chemicals to stay at a certain state of being. If dreamless sleep is a mini death, then perhaps actual death is the most natural state of being…a place our lives naturally fall ‘back’/ return to to be one with the universe.

Photo by @being_frank_yang
#sleep #death #natural #state #being #emergence #unconscious #bed #nightmare #darkness


Whenever I couldn’t sleep…I would lie on my bed and imagine water flowing into my bedroom. All of a sudden there’s a huge flood and before having time to react to my surroundings, I am floating in the middle of the ocean. I love looking at the horizon of the ocean because it’s the only straight line in nature (straight lines are signs of artificiality and construction…everything else in nature except this line is wiggly). When you are surrounded by the ocean with nothing else around you and nothing else in sight except the water, the sky, and the horizontal line between them, you feel a sense of wholeness and totality.
There’s something nostalgic about floating in the middle of the ocean while lying on your own bed because when you can no longer see the coast, you’d realized that NOTHING has changed here. Everything on earth, from rocks to mountains, from art to technology, from the length of my hair to the entropic decay of my grandmother’s corpse are changing and evolving… everything except here: an identical stretch of water and the horizontal line between the ocean and the sky.
What I am seeing here was seen by pterodactyls and the Homo erectus, and it still covers two thirds of the globe. The greater part of the earth has remained the same despite earthquakes and natural/ artificial catastrophes, and it will probably remain unchanged until the end of earth’s existence.

Here is where I can relax my body and feel like I’m sitting comfortably in silence with an old friend; where there are no parts or divisions but only wholes. There’s no need to move things around, add or replace things because everything is simply what it is IN ITSELF. In this world there is no iPod, no facebook, no cars, no clocks, no knives, no pussy and food or any other types of objects or temptations. Desires are finally put out… not that they are fulfilled because there are no holes to fill in the first place. Desires simply don’t exist for me in that space, and you don’t have to think hard about things or make decisions, you can just switch off your mind to allow the homogeneous whole of the ocean to flow through you…(see comments for full confession).

kitty6


I love him because he loves her. She would have stayed with me forever, and took in all of my bs in the depth of her heart, but I couldn’t let her do that to herself. And we wouldn’t be free. Thanks for setting us free.

kitty7


My experience with a maid… True story from my childhood. 我的菲傭經驗
which really puts things into (or out of) perspective for me. It was then when I realized that reality was not what it seemed, and absurdity was what governs most of life under the surface.
My maid mindfucked me, and as a result, I went on at the same quest.

When I was 9, my parents hired this incredible maid to take care of housework and to babysit my baby brother.

My first impression was, damn this woman was dumb. So I stole my dad’s encyclopedias and forced her to read it. I would lecture her when she was trying to wash dishes and afterwards test her knowledge and to see if she got any smarter. I remember one time, she couldn’t distinguish between a cheetah and a leopard, so I hit her in the head with my own head and she fainted on the floor for 10 minutes and woke up with a red face. My dad beat me up for it…but I am positively sure that she faked it to get me in trouble.

She also stole my fucking Jurassic park T-shirt. I remember looking for it for weeks, and then I saw it in her closet. She told me that she bought that for her son, but that I could have it as a gift if I wanted! Fucking epic.

One thing she was proud of was that, being such a good maid/baby sitter, she could make my brother eat everything and anything (because apparently my brother would never eat when my mom fed him). That’s all good and sweet, except for one thing – my brother was still skinny as a goddamn monkey and never gained so much as half a pound despite all that food he was supposedly be “eating”. So I figured she must be up to something, either throwing it away or hiding it underneath the bed or worse, fed it to our dogs. So I hid in the bathroom when she was feeding my brother during lunch, and she fucking ate that baby food shit herself to make it look like my brother ate it (see comment to cont.)

kitt7


Back when I was a virgin. You could tell from my expression that I had less formal logic and more protein in my hair. I read a report which states that picking up girls for short term relationships and one night stands take more logic and left brain because you coldly strategize to get into their pants by recognizing patterns and what not. But during a long term relationship you rely more on creativity, imagination and emotions to keep it interesting and fresh. Take that with a grain of salt.. Funny tho. #country #young #boy #no #vascularity #creativity #logic #face #reason #virgin

kitty78

Everyday that I wake up in the morning I experience a rush of euphoria of being in possession of the human brain. I jump out if bed as if I am about to test drive a high ended technology from an advanced alien civilization. #alien #civilization #breakfast #eggs #time #brain #body #waking #friend. @kitty_780913

kitty9


過去,我們一天的時間好像是以用餐時間作規畫區隔。我們所關注的終極問題就是:食物在哪裡?這可以吃嗎?我要跟誰分享這食物?

而現在,有了數位社群媒體,我們的生活看似被分成兩部份:值得拍照上傳的時刻和不值得這麼作的時刻。我們會問自己:我該拍什麼?這個值得拍下來嗎?我要分享給誰看?

今日我們攝取的是抽象養份-是滋養心靈的時間區段,而非滋養身體的養份。人類現在不用尖利的長矛刺穿獵物了,我們只需高舉手機或數位相機,便可穿透時間與記憶。

我們愛拍食物的原因之一是:藉由拍食物,可以攝取上面所說的兩種養份。因此,食物自拍照有了雙重意義。

藝術家更把這點發揮到極致。我有一位導演朋友,MAX,他說自己最愛外拍一整天後,回到家看自己所拍的膠卷,看一整晚。這是他勞力轉化成的果實,是他將相機當成武器,獵取到的戰利品。

導演剪輯影片時那種切片的方式,就像獵人殺了獵物並將牠的肉切片,煮給家人吃一樣。唯一的不同點是:藝術家要填飽的是心靈,他們從心靈最深處挖掘出意象、想法或靈魂,帶回來與社會大眾分享,分食。即使過程中,可能會損害心理健康也在所不辭。

Translated by Shu Fang Yang
https://shufantranslation.wordpress.com/

Our days used to be structured and divided between meals. The ultimate question was, “where is the food? Can this or that be eaten, and who should I share this food with”?

With digital and social media, our lives in some sense are now divided into the significance of moments worth photographing and upload and moments that are not. “What should I photograph? Is this or that with capturing? Who should I share this moment with”?

What we consume now are much more abstract – temporal blocks that nourishes (or diminishes) the mind instead of the body.
Instead of sharp spears that penetrate animal bodies, we hold up our phones and digital cameras to penetrate time and memory.

Part of the reason why we love taking pictures of food is because the action is consuming both of the previously mentioned elements – lending food selfies a double significance.

I feel like artists take it to the next level. My filmmaker friend Max said he loves going home after a whole day of shooting and spend all night looking at his footage – the fruit of his labor of what he captured on film with cameras as weapons.

The way filmmakers chop and slice their films down during editing is analogous to the way hunters kills and slice up their prey and cook the meat to their families. Except what artists are feeding are minds, bringing back imageries and ideas or souls of people from the deep terrains of their minds to the rest of society to consume, sometimes risking their mental wellbeing during the process.

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Photo by @minalroar The reason why people should lift and build a nice physique is not that an aesthetic physique and muscles are end of all ends, but it is the perfect cherry to put on top of anything and everything you do in life.

In a way, having a nice physique is kind of like being high on caffeine or cannabis (except you are high all the time) – it makes everything you do in life just a little bit (or a lot) better, more aesthetic and efficient – especially the small and mundane things like cleaning your record player, staring at your grandmother’s hands, mowing the lawn while whistling out of tune because you can’t hear anything, showing your friends how to roll a joint, walking your dog mindlessly and picking up its dog shit, making scratch marks with your fingernails on your desk during work, sleeping and dreaming and talking online with or without the webcam with somebody you’ve never met in real life, buying diet coke from McDonald… .. @being_frank_yang #mcdonald #coke #diet #life #rice #eat #meal #high #lick


Photo by @minalroar. Translated by ShuFan Yang. #happiness #sad #pAradox #feels #gxxxf #fear #fall #fake #smile #euphoric #taipei #tltr #flexforall2 #LOA
I never want to be too happy.
Happiness is a dread if it is achieved. Aristotle said that everything is a means to happiness, and that the goal of everything we do in life is to ultimately achieve happiness.
Happiness is the end of all means, the absolute and objective goal of all human life. But I find anxiety in happiness; whenever I am happy, I feel guilty because something deep inside me keeps reminding me that I’m NOT supposed to be this happy.
Why? I’m not too sure myself.
Perhaps it’s because there’s always a trade off for being happy. I would find myself asking myself – What it is that I am missing or trading off by being happy?
Sometimes the uncertainty of the trade offs that I made with myself and with the world by being too happy brings a sense of absurdity and fear into the feeling of happiness itself. Or maybe I feel guilty because despite my happiness, there is still endless misery, unhappiness, and despair in my life and the lives of others; and sometimes I feel as if I am happy it is at the expense of people and animals and things (including myself) that are miserable and wretched. So there you can see the irony and the paradox.

Also, when I am happy, I feel like I’m on the top of the world. But when you are standing on the pinnacle, the only place left to go and will end up is DOWN. And there’s a certain sense of dreariness and anxiety that is coupled with this feeling of being-on-top-and-having-no-place-to-go-but-down.

Another reason why I fear happiness is due to the lack of potentialities it inhabits. When I am not happy, I have something to strive for – to BE happy. With potentiality comes possibilities, dreams, and desires. When I am already happy, what’s there to strive and desire for? When I’m already happy I find myself in a lazy state of mind where I stop trying to achieve something I’m driven to and is capable of achieving when I am not happy.

kitty10

快樂之悖論

https://digitalairair.wordpress.com/2010/09/18/196/

我從來不想過得太快樂。快樂一旦讓人攫取,就可能成為某種不安。亞里士多德曾說過:萬事萬物皆是通往快樂的渠道,我們一生中所做的每件事最終都是為了得到幸福與快樂。快樂是一切的目的,是所有人生所追求的絕對客觀的目標。但快樂時,我也感覺到一種焦慮。當我快樂時,會有種罪惡感,因為我心裡會有一個聲音不斷地叮嚀著:我不應該這麼快樂。

為什麼呢?我也不太確定。也許是因為要活得快樂,總要付出一些代價。有時我會問自己-為了得到快樂,我究竟失去了什麼,付出了什麼?有時候活得太快樂,卻不知自己付出了什麼,讓我覺得有點荒唐,因而這份快樂變成一種恐懼。也許我的罪惡感來自於:儘管我自己覺得快樂,但在我自己或其他人的人生中,仍有無盡的悲慘、不幸、絕望…有時我覺得自己的快樂是建築在別的人事物(甚至我自己)的悲慘痛苦之上。那這種諷刺與矛盾感就不難理解了。此外,當我快樂時,覺得自己站在世界的頂端。但人在最高峰,唯一能前進的方向就只有「往下」。雖在頂點卻不得不往下,總有些淒涼不安。

快樂令我害怕的另一個理由,也許是因為它缺乏發展潛力。當我不快樂時,我會有努力奮鬥的目標-追求快樂。有努力空間,才有可能性,才有夢想和欲望。要是我已經很快樂了,那還能努力什麼,欲求什麼呢?我一定會陷入怠惰狀態,失去努力的動力,而無法達成不快樂時所能完成的目標。不幸可視為一種現實狀況與障礙,必須克服才能達到更高層次的存有。我討厭完美,跟討厭不完美一樣。對我來說最美的藝術是有點瑕疵、漏洞,有不完美之處的。不完美帶來欲求和想像-我們的心靈樂於填補漏洞,修補瑕疵。心靈幻想創造出來的完美典型,正是其自身最好的養分。所以在現實和虛構之間必須創設出一個隱喻概念的空間,維持一段距離/差距。因為要是現實與虛構間的距離縮短了,欲望就會被消滅。想像力總會創造一種理想化的完美典型,而所謂的完美實際上往往是不完美的,因為它跟心靈想像出來的完美典型仍然不能等量齊觀。

這麼說吧,對我而言,追求快樂就像看裸女。當我跟女生親熱,或看著一個穿衣服的女生,我總會想像她裸體的樣子。在我腦中這裸體的畫面總是完美而理想化的。但若她真的脫掉衣服,所有的不完美都會開始滲入我美好的想像中。也許她的乳頭顏色太深,也許肚子上那層脂肪平常都被緊身褲巧妙遮住了,還有屁股上那些細小皺摺,太過茂盛的陰毛…。這時我的腦袋出現一種認知上的不和諧。我腦中自己生成的理想化圖像-她的裸體「應該」像什麼樣子(部分完美),以及她實際身體的畫面(部分不完美)。這兩者互相碰撞時,理想化的裸體(正)加上實際上的裸體(反)會生成一種新的圖像/存有(合),正如辯證法的正-反-合。我腦中呈現的圖像,與眼睛所看到的景像不符,超乎我的意識範疇結構,而無法理解。感覺像是一種嗡鳴、安吶其式,缺乏一致性的一團混亂與困惑。正因體驗到這種亂無章法的真實與美好幻想對立,我的老二退縮到不確定的抽象空間-在真實與象徵空間中游移不定,而無法完成它的重責大任…總之,我感到快樂的那一刻,同時也變得不快樂。這不快樂又會重新展開,生出快樂。因此對我來說,快樂的唯一方法就是在不快樂時,努力追求快樂這個游移不定的目標,而快樂只存在於抽象與可能性的虛擬境界。


I’ve lost (successfully reduced) my sex drive…by 75 percent compared to a year or two ago. I feel liberated, but at the same time I feel like my dog just died. But I’m not worried because I’m willing to bet that my current sex drive is still higher than the average male.
I feel a little lost and confused sometimes because there is a void in my mind that used to be filled with pornographic imaginations, and I feel like I’m carrying around a huge empty sphere on my head that I don’t know what to do with.

In fact, my day to day, moment to moment state of mind/subjective feels is very different now.

My mind was shaped like a jumbled up bundle of mess that’s twisted and intertwined in all directions and is composed of information about the past or theories and ideas i read from books. If you look at it from far away, it looks like a static, unmoving, stubborn dot.

Now my consciousness is more like waves rather than a particle, with information freely scattered and floating through out and surfing on empty spaces waiting to be ‘clicked’ or collapsed… But until then it remains a mere potentiality. It feels more like Instagram photos and the Internet itself rather than a big fat book shaped like a BBC.
I no longer dream, and have less to say, especially in social situations.
Most importantly, I feel healthy and younger, more peace,bliss and joy.
What I want to say is that through meditation, proper diet, exercise, one can drastically alter and transform his consciousness and all experiences in life.
I wonder how I would look at feel a year from now.

#new #body #mind #2015 #recover #sex #addiction #time #vascularity #story #life #bbc #TIP #RIP. Photo by @kaleyrex thanks to @john.hollywood.coach for the cut

kitty56


Went to a friend’s birthday party last night. Usually I have nothing to say at social events unless I’m trying to pick up sluts. But it doesn’t mean I’m not having fun. I like inspecting and scrutinizing people’s physiques and mental apparatus. These two guys were interesting. The one on the left is a physicist from Oxford, and you can just tell from his expression that his thought process is at a different wavelength. The one on the right is his friend who is a lawyer.
I asked the physicist if he looks at the world and unconsciously breaks it down to finer and finer components until he gets to the atoms and empty spaces, he LOLed and asked me what I do. I said I make films and he asked me if I look at the world and think about how to frame for shots and edit scenes in my mind and I said yes, all the time. That’s all we talked about. #FrankYang #real #life #cool #story #brah #physics #black #hole #taipei #alcohol #wine #shy

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