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Like with Jeff seid, I have a love/hate relationship to Hollister and AF. I wear Hollister in order to overcome insecurities and attain freedom in a reverse-mindfuck kind of way.

I went to an all art school, so there are a lot of hippies with purple hair and nose piercings. I would walk around with Hollister or AF jeans and tank-tops while holding a big bottle of protein shake on my hand and everyone thought I was a giant meathead. But when you watch their student work it’s usually no better than mediocre. When I showed my work, even the professors were mind blown. Dressed and looked like a jock, I was actually the hippie in an all hipster school.

I like all-American brands for the same reason I enjoy build muscles. The only way to conquer your fear of what you are not is to thoroughly become it. Being born and raised in Taiwan, everything American seemed so out of my reach. I secretly despised their materialism based ideoloy, but deep down inside I was just jelly as fuck.

In high school I’ve always wanted to bang white cheerleader girls. I remember fapping at the stadium during homecoming pep rally’s. I would use my video camera and secretly zoom in on all the girls’ legs and collect the footage for future “references” on my V8 cassette. I would watch those girls get taken home by shredded football players on Friday nights and feel depressed. I would go home, lock myself in my room, pop in my Britney Spears CD and chat with girls I meet on AOL. I still think one of the reasons why I spend so much time trying to bang girls nowadays is to make up for lost times in high school and college.

I still wear Hollister from time to time because I feel a certain kind of contradiction oscillating within my body…and it gives me this paradoxical space that I can operate in; a kind of freedom to be as fucked up as possible on the inside while appearing as clean cut and normal on the outside. (like my muscles).

It’s not a well kept secret that brands like Hollister and AF is racist and they never have Asian models.


After experimenting with white girls, I think I still prefer asians better. This is just from my own experience, but I think asian girls (especially in Taiwan) are more like blank slates – they are more down to make weirder videos with me because their identities are more translucent and flexible and deep down inside they don’t really know who they are. In a way, white girls in America have more ego – their identities are more fixated, and they are less likely to get out of their comfort zone to become the ‘Other’. But for many asians, they spent their whole life being perceived as an ‘Other’, and it’s much easier to flip into the costumes of other ‘Others’. Seeing a nice ass on an Asian girl is like finding a diamond in a rough. And rareness is always sexy. It’s also stereotypical assumed that asian girls are more prudent and innocent. But seeing an Asian girl that is wild in bed who also has an ass is like holding in your hand a diamond within a diamond. This is why so many white guys have yellow fever. There is nothing more sexy than breaking stereotypes and going against cultural rules and standards. This is why anal sex is appealing to some people and why some girls find it exciting to give blow jobs.

Whenever I go to the mall I would always walk around in Hollister and Abercrombie stores, checking out the young white girls that work there and sniff around the clothes to get baked on teenage hormones. I even spread some display perfumes on my own neck. I would go home when I’m finally high enough to imagine what it would be like to go back to high school now with this body and what I have in my brain now.

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“Every object has two aspects. The common aspect, which is the one we generally see and which is seen by everyone, and the ghostly and metaphysical aspect, which only rare individuals see at moments of transcendence and metaphysical meditation. A work of art must relate something that does not appear in its visible form”. Georgio de Chirico.

You can apply the same idea to a human being. Every man has two aspects; the finite brain and the Infinite Mind (dual/non-dual, relative/Absolute). Your personality, your every thought, emotions and beliefs…even scientific and philosophical doctrines reside in the dualistic realm of the finite brain (inside the Yin/Yang circle), which the Infinite Mind (the space outside the circle) serves as a Witness.

Think of the finite brains as represented by distinct dots on a sheet of paper. The paper represents the infinite/non-local field of awareness that the individual dots merely partakes in and arises from. One can permanently access the Infinite through years of meditation, or briefly, through psychoactive plants and being in flow states during artistic or athletic endeavors. Self-Realization at the highest form is simply recognizing your true nature not as an individual, finite brain/body, but as a Infinite field of awareness that permeates you, me, and the cosmos.

It’s crazy to suspect that some of the most respected scientists and intellectuals today, like Stephen Hawkins and Richard Dawkins never realized their full human potential. They are examples of finite brains pushing themselves to the limit without crossing over to the other dimension. Perhaps they are too intelligent to transcend their own intelligence. The good news is, anybody with half a brain have the capacity to gain access the Infinite mind.

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How Sneakers changed my life.

My first pair of Jordans wasn’t even an Air Jordan. It was called Jumpman Pro Strong, worn by Vin Baker on team Jumpman.
Jordan, being the cheeky cunt he was, needed people to carry on his legacy so he could continue to inject his mind into mindless consumers, so he hand selected a few players to represent his Brand. One Sunday afternoon, I went to the mall with my mom after she had finally agreed to buy me a pair of Jordans as a reward for getting into the county youth orchestra.

After purchase, I immediately unboxed them and worn the shoes to my best friend Johnny’s house to look for validations. He knew everything there is to know about shoes and worn the Jordans 12s to school everyday. Because of this, he was the closest thing to a mentor for me during math class. He revealed to me that the shoes I bought were not Jordans but Bakers. WTF? After explaining to me the whole high brow branding concept I felt very sad, confused, and disappointed. I worn it around the house for 2 weeks, looking at my feet in front of the mirror while listening to my Slim Shady LP because I was too ashamed to wear them to school.

Finally Eminem convinced me to not give a fuck, so I rocked them to school. But I felt self conscious and ashamed. Picture a skinny 110 lb Asian kid with hair split from the middle with glasses who sucked at both math and basketball wearing Jordans that were not Jordans. On top of that, my legs were short and those high tops made them appear even shorter. This was when I developed my fetish with calves. Everywhere I go I was examining the anatomical structure of calves and their aesthetic relations with the kinds of shoes and socks people wear. This was the initial training of my perceptual skill and OCD tendencies, which would continue to unfold today as I make videos and sculptures.

Suddenly, the power of the BBC struck me. I noticed how much more graceful, balanced and authentic Jordans look on athletic black people’s high-cut, long, skinny calves, and how pretentiously ugly they looked on Asians. It was like a cringe-worthy pseudo intellectual trying to sound 2deep4u

Two people could lace on the exact same pair of shoes, but on Asians they are beta and on blacks, alpha. This was the first time I came to see the value of all objects to be relative and mind-dependent; there really is no such thing as an objective reality, and that everything was consciousness.

After more analysis on balance, structures, and form, I knew I needed to change not just my body, but my mindset in order to fit in those shoes. I started weight training. I knew I talked about getting into lifting because I wanted to be a cheetah as a small child, but this was just a different line converging to the same ideal to reinforce the circular feedback loop between form and function. I would work hard to build up every part of my body, especially my glute, and except for my calves (I still don’t train them) to make them appear thinner in proportion. I trained my vertical jump to 40 inches standing and surpassed all the black kids in my school who I used to admire in gym class. I lost my virginity, and along the way amped up my knowledge of sneakers and purchased dozens more pair of shoes. By the time I was finally able to wear them freely without the fear of judgements, I had completely lost interest in Jordans.

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Your body’s true, experiential nature is more like a jelly fish swimming in the vast ocean than a solid, separate, corporeal entity. (Wave vs particle). Try closing your eyes and just feel your body from the inside, recognizing it’s wavy, wiggly, vibrating nature. Rest your awareness on that feeling for 15 to 30 minutes and allow it to give your entire being a deep massage from the inside. After a while you’ll transcend the concepts of body parts, and realize there is no head, no feet, no torso except for points of contacts where sensations are naturally arising and passing away moment by moment… This is divinity/nature recognizing itself.

https://youtu.be/fz6Hdf7DIZ0
There is a guided meditation at the 4:15:00 mark. Give it a shot and let us know what you think. I find this exercise the perfect complimentary to bodybuilding. Do this on your off days to stay safe.

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If ‘reality’ is nothing more than a dream state, then everyone is a fraud. No one is more “authentic” than the next person. No matter how “real” I think I am, I’m still just an actor with a mask on. Every philosopher is a pseudo-intellectual, every branch of science is pseudo-science. Don’t get me wrong, I like science as much as you, but from the Ultimate, non-dual perspective, everything is equally unreal and insignificant. How can one aspect of the dream be more “real” than another? All parts of the dream is made up of the same substrate. Desires and prejudices are merely the the conditioned response to the illusion that one part of your dream is better than another. You become more tolerant of ‘bad movies’ and ‘fake people’.
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Beauty is Only Skin Deep.
美麗的醜陋

I avoid seeing really hot girls. Maybe this is why I don’t watch TV- the overabundance of glamour and beauty really makes me depressed. Whenever I see a model or a celebrity, I try really hard to peel her skin off with my mind; I try to strip away the ideological and the conceptual layer of her being and deal with her in the pre-lingual/biological abstract. I try to think of her as a bundle of neurons, sweat glands, bone marrow and hair. I visualize her DNA and gastric acid; I analyze the inner workings of her organs and the way she defecates. I focus on her various odors, the plaque between her teeth, and the colonies of bacteria on her skin.

Human beings are only skin deep, and underneath the most beautiful super model, there lays a monster comprised of wet clumps of organs, tubes, hunks of bloody meat, lifeless electric impulses, and other repulsive and disgusting dead matter. Despite how we might look on the outside, most of our physical properties and composition are not very attractive.

If God made man in the image of himself, did he also make our INSIDES in the image of Him? One comfortable notion that comes out of this concept and image is that the unattractive and repulsive insides that we all share make us more alike, more heterogeneous, and equal than we otherwise would. If you flip both my below average-looking ex-girlfriend and Marilyn Monroe inside out and place them next to each other, I doubt you would be able to tell the difference between the two. When you consider what most parts of our physical bodies look and feel like, there is a sense of serenity and comfort inknowing that we really are not that much different from each other. Unfortunately, this sense of reassurance is embedded within the hideous and revolting side of our very own nature.

Indeed, our skin is the only organ that holds us together, just barely and scarcely preventing the hideous monsters that reside within us from breaking out of their thin shells. Compare the thickness and overall breadth of our skin to the rest of our bodies that lies underneath. The skin is thin and miniature in comparison. To me, there is a sense of insecurity in knowing that immediately beneath this feeble layer of tissues and cells, there lays wet muscle, distorted arteries and other disgusting organs that make up the majority of who we are as physical beings. Even our thoughts, seemingly so divine, abstract, beautiful and creative are governed by electric impulses and grey matter – simply wet and slimy meat. So when a girl loves me, is she merely in love with my skin and meat? Is that it?

Whenever I date a girl, I’m always be fearful of two things. First, I would be afraid that my skin would fail on me, break down, and the monster that it barely holds would come out and devour, both physically and psychologically, the girl who I am desperately trying to look good for and impress. Secondly, whenever I find a girl attractive, I usually fall for her mind, but the mind is nothing more than the brain. If I am so in love with the beautiful and lovely words she utters the eloquent poems and letters that she composes, should I also be in love with the ultimate source of such beauty and eloquence?

Our beauty is literally only skin deep. But, in perspective, the sense of beauty and satisfaction that we derive from our outside is only illusionary. If you look at the skin under a microscope, you will be shocked at how unaesthetic and repugnant it is. I apologize for taking away your last hope for beauty. Indeed, even the only barrier concealing the hideous monster within us is itself a source of discomfort and disgust when examined upon closer inspection.

If you still don’t find human beings disgusting, let me try to convince you of our monstrosity by mentioning our origins. Remember how Frankenstein was created? His body was sewn up from pieces of flesh and skin of other dead bodies. But was the way he was created any different from the way we were created? Frankenstein is a magnification of our bodies and minds, in a metaphorical sense that point to our very own nature and who we really are. Think of how WE were created and you would come to the conclusion that we are also made up of dead stuff.

The notion of our sentient beings would cease to seem so glamorous if we remind ourselves that the source of our conscious bodies originate from various unaesthetic and dead material. First, there is the sperm and the egg, which is not only extrinsically unattractive, but is intrinsically made up of senseless and mindless organic material. Then there’s the food that your mother ingested and digested to feed you during pregnancy. It’s nothe onthing but dead matter converted into muscle, brain, bones, and organs. What stitches us together is comprised of what was once dead – animal corpses, excrement, and bits and pieces of inorganic matter like dead stars and the primeval soup that is shattered, spread out, and left over by the violent explosion of the Big Bang.

Atoms and particles that reside in our bodies once held residence in the bodies of all sorts of different objects and organisms: When a body dies, worms eat the body, chickens eat the worm, and we would in turn, eat the chickens. So life (as we know it) is not very appealing when examined from the perspective of its origins. We all have our beginnings in materials taken from a host of other repulsive objects. The forces that bring these parts together to form our bodies, consciousness, and, eventually, human beings are nothing but contingent and accidental ones. From this perspective, life is made from the dead, with dead matter swimming and swirling into each other in a meaningless void that is DEAD and LIFELESS.

Ok, let’s zoom out a little bit and focus on our external properties. Forget about the organs, the brain, and all of their origins. You can’t SEE them on a day-to-day basis (unless you are a medical student or a doctor); focus on what you can directly observe. But can you end our sense of anxiety simply by forgetting about the skin that we so heavily depend upon? I don’t think so. Our physical appeals, if they do exist, are fragile and unreliable. Even the most attractive of us feel insecure, anxious, and self-conscious about our appearances from time to time.

Everyone is imperfect in some way. Even if you are not seriously deformed, you worry about what your mate will think of you in the morning, right when your messy self wakes up from a temporary death. You worry about your bad breath, whether your gel is wearing off, and, for girls, whether your makeup is smeared or ruined by external factors beyond your control. The shape of your nose, the sizes of your eyes and ears, the size of your muscles are all exposed and open to criticism, despite the fact that they seem to look acceptable when you checked yourself out in the mirror this morning.

I am going to end with sex here, because I think it is the most monstrous of all human acts and interactions. Sex I think, reveals the most beastly and debased side of us. It is an act that consists of blood, odor, violent penetration, frenzied movements, disturbing psychology, exchange of body fluid, potential spread of disease, unsettling noises, and even death. We must reveal some of our most ugly body parts to the very partners who we desperately try to impress. The imperfections of our bodies that are hidden so well underneath clothes and makeup are as completely exposed during sex. Despite the eroticism of our sexual organs, they are, in any other context, ugly, smelly, and anything but attractive.

We also need to reveal our most primal and debased psychological and emotional side to our partners during sex. The moaning, the way we breathe, the wet and slimy sounds that the vagina makes while it is being violated and penetrated, and the eerie and unsettling “slapping” sounds made by the impact of ferocious humping: all of that would seem downright depraved or sickening in a non-sexual context. It is amazing that our psyches and our minds can filter these monstrous elements out of the erotic picture to allow us to enjoy sex despite its imperfections.

But sometimes our security system breaks down. During sex, we find ourselves thinking, from time to time, “What the fuck am I doing? Who is this monster that I am humping and why is it making such weird noises? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE! Why am I relentlessly and repetitively making such absurd back and forth movements? Those are moments when the real penetrates the symbolic; the barriers of language, ideology, illusions, and concepts break down, exposing the good old monstrous sides of our humanity.

我總是回避去看真正的美女。也許這就是為什麼我不愛看充斥了過多光鮮和美艷的美女的電視,她們讓我鬱悶。每當我看到一個模特或是一個明星,我就會努力用我的意識去剝開她的外表;我試圖去掉她那些意識形態和概念的外衣,而直接面對她有語言能力之前的生物個體。我試圖想象她是一束神經元,汗腺,骨髓和頭髮。我設想她的DNA和胃酸,我分析她的各種器官的內部運作和她的排便方式。我專註於她的各種氣味,她牙齒之間的斑塊,和她皮膚上的細菌菌落。

人只是隔著一層皮膚,即使在最美麗的超級模特的皮膚下,也只是一個由濕乎乎叢生的器官,血管,大塊的肌肉,無生命的電脈衝,和其他令人厭惡的死細胞組成的怪物。不管我們外面看上去如何,我們大部分的機體組成並不是如外面那麽光鮮的。如果上帝造人是依照他自己的樣子的,他是否也是依照他的內在來造我們的呢?從以上的定義能推導出一個令人高興的概念,那就是無論我們看上去多麽不同,我們的那些並不漂亮甚至令人討厭的內部是多麽的相像。如果你把我那位長相一般的前女友和Britney Spears從裏到外翻過來並排放在一起的話,我懷疑你是否能夠分辨出來她們。當你在意我們外表的身體和感覺的時候,有一種使人平靜和舒服的感受,那就是我們大家沒有什麽不同。可惜這種讓人安心的感受深埋於我們的心底,又與我們的本性相違背。

事實上,我們的皮膚是唯一把我們包裹在一起的器官,剛剛能夠防止內在的怪物沖破他們的薄殼。我們皮膚的厚度和整體廣度和我們內部的身體來進行比較的話,皮膚是薄且小的。對我來說,知道在這薄薄一層組織和細胞下面就是大塊的肌肉,無序的動脈和其他使我們能成為我們自己的大部分器官,讓我很沒有安全感。甚至我們的思想,看似發散的,抽象的,美麗的和有創造力的都是受電脈沖和一種叫做灰質的濕潤的薄的組織來控制的。所以,當一個女孩說愛我,她只是愛上我的皮膚和肌肉?是這樣嗎?
每當我和一個女孩約會,我總是擔心兩件事情。首先,在我試圖留下深刻印象的女孩面前,我會害怕我的皮膚會破開來,生理和心理的怪物會害沖將出來吞噬我。其次,當我找到一個吸引我的姑娘時,我會愛上她的心靈,還有她的頭腦。如果我愛上她說出的美麗動人的詩句,我是不是也應該愛上產生這些美麗詩句的最終源頭呢?

我們說的美只是停留在皮膚表面的。但是更正確的來說我們從外表獲得的美和滿意的感覺也是一種錯覺。如果你在顯微鏡下看皮膚,你會驚訝的發現皮膚是多麽的毫無美感並且令人厭惡的。我很抱歉讓你們對美失去了最後的希望。事實上,當你近距離觀察時,甚至那個深藏在我們內部的怪物也是令人不愉快和惡心的。

如果你還沒有認為人類噁心,讓我來提到我們的起源說服你人類的怪物性。還記得Frankenstein這個科學怪人是如何被創造的嗎?他的身體是用其他死屍的皮肉碎片縫起來的。他被創造的方式難道和我們被創造的方式有何不同嗎?Frankenstein這個科學怪人在隱喻著我們人類的內在本質,他是我們身體和心靈的放大體。

如果我們提醒自己我們自身這個有意識的身體是由各種並不美麗甚至是死去的材料組成的話,人類物種這個概念將不再顯得那麼光鮮亮麗了。起初是精子和卵子這些不僅是外在毫無吸引力而且在本質上無感無意識的有機物質。然後是你的母親在懷孕期間攝入和消化的食物。這些看似沒有意義的死的物質轉化成肌肉,大腦,骨骼和器官。那些將我們的身體縫合在一起的是那些曾經死了的 動物的屍體,排泄物,和類似死亡恒星的零星碎片的無機物。以及劇烈的宇宙大爆炸打碎,散開,遺留下來的原始液質。

那些存在於我們身體裏的原子和粒子是來自於各種不同的物體和生物:當機體死亡以後,蟲子分解了屍體,雞又吃掉了蟲子,接著我們吃掉了雞。因此從這個角度來說生命的起源(正如我們知道的那樣)並不是那麽動人的。我們的開始都是來自於那些令人厭惡的物種。將這些部分組合在一起從而形成了我們的身體,意識,並最終形成了人類的這種力量是偶然和不可預知的。從這個角度來看,生命是來自於死亡的,死的物質在死亡和無生命的毫無意義的空白裏遊弋穿梭。

好吧,讓我們放大一點,專註於我們的外部屬性。忘記那些器官,大腦和它們的起源。你日常看到的不是這些(除非你是醫學院的學生或者大夫),專註於你可以直接觀察到的。但是你能簡單的忘記我們如此依賴的外表從而不再焦慮嗎?我認為你做不到。我們美麗的外表,如果他們是存在的話,是脆弱和不可靠的。即使是最有吸引力的人也會經常有不安全感,焦慮,和對自我外表的不自信。

在某種意義上沒有人是完美的。即使你並不是嚴重的畸形,你仍然會擔心早上剛睡醒時候的淩亂會讓你的伴侶怎麽看你。你擔心你的口臭,你的凝膠是否已逐漸消失,姑娘們則會擔心不小心弄花的妝容。你會在意你的鼻子的形狀,眼睛和耳朵的大小,甚至你的肌肉是否足夠健壯都完全暴露任人評說。盡管今天早上你剛剛在鏡子前面審視過自己,覺得無可挑剔。

我最後要來討論一下性行為,因為我認為這是人類所有行為和相互關系中最怪異的。

我認為性行為展示了人類的動物性和庸俗的一面。這種行為充斥了血液,氣味,暴力插入,瘋狂的運動,不安心理,體液交換,潛在的疾病傳播,令人不安的噪聲,甚至死亡。我們不得不把我們一部分最醜陋的身體暴露給我們的伴侶看,而這些伴侶正是我們試圖留下美好印象的人。儘管在其他情況下被認為是難看的,有味道的性器官此時處於興奮變得有吸引力。但那些平時在漂亮的衣服和化妝下被掩飾的很好的我們的身體瑕疵在性行為的時候都完全暴露了。

性交的時候我們還會把我們心理上,感情上最原始,最低級的一面暴露給我們的伴侶。呻吟聲,急促的呼吸聲,陰道被侵犯和被深入的時候發出的潮濕和粘糊糊的聲音,以及劇烈撞擊發出的令人不安的怪異的啪啪聲:所有這些在非性行為的時候都被認為是徹頭徹尾的讓人感到下流和厭惡的。令人驚訝的是我們的心理和意識卻能過濾掉這些讓人討厭的因素讓我們享受性生活,盡管並不完美。

但有時候我們的防衛系統也會出故障。在性交的時候,我們有時候會想,“我他媽的到底在幹什麽?這個發出怪聲音向前移動的怪物是誰?這一切都沒有任何意義。為什麼我會不停地重複如此荒謬的活塞運動?”這些時刻就是真實穿透象徵,語言,思想,幻想和觀念的障礙被打碎,人性的好的一面展現的時候。

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